Confessions of an Undisguised Drama Queen

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Back... for good?

So right, I've been away from a really long time.

Partly because I've been dealing with the demands of my final semester of education (demands that are horrifically unreasonable sometimes, especially when those demands come from a certain someone who's voice and actions everyone absolutely abhors), trying to get good sleep in between despite the haunting nightmares, and basically doing everything except blogging.

Plus, there wasn't much I felt like writing about anyway.

Not about myself, not about how I felt, not about what was going on in the world.

It's as if this passive mode was turned on; I say what I have to say, when I have to say it and that's it. Anything more would be like a waste of my energy.

Maybe it's an indication of weariness.

I'm not depressed. Just weary of some things. Like how you never know if you can trust some people, like how time seems to sprint while you can only move in slow motion, like how you are on the brink of giving up yet you can't, and like how you have to deal with the loss of a friend.

JJ died.

And she was like a friend to me. Others may think it's silly, that she's just a hamster. But my pets mean so much to me. At least they don't put on pretences and they know how to love unconditionally. And that makes it so much easier to love them back.

I miss her a whole lot. She was such a special little Roborovski. Most are extremely timid and shy and will hide at the slightest attempt to approach them... but JJ was above the diffidence. Her bright eyes, her cute nose, the ticklish feel of her feet on my palms when she climbed onto my hand, her exuberant running on the creaky wheel - all the little things she did has never failed me to make me smile.

Looking at her limp, dead body was the hardest. All of me wished that she didn't suffer before she finally went. She's too precious. If animals had emotions and feelings, I sincerely hope that I was a good enough owner for her and that she had the happiest hamster life she could ever have.

Now I have one less thing to look forward to when I come home on weekends. It's mostly going to be coming back to emptiness from now.

[Time of Confession] 11:53 PM
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