[C'EST MOI]
living paradox. individualist with anarchistic tendencies.
eludes eminence but appreciates subtle recognition.
capricious yet dependable. clandestine and unfathomable.
cynical realist who succumbs to the occasional idealism.
[J'AIME]
music. films. feasting & drinking. team sports.
good company; family, friends and those who share similar interests.
As I was sitting glued in front of the TV this evening, I was subconsciously beating myself up inside. As models after models came strutting out along the long and glittery catwalk (for the Victoria's Secrets Fashion Show), clad in skimpy and frivolous outfits, I was silently questioning, "How come I'm not that tall? How come these girls are blessed with such good looks and figures? They've probably got a career to boot and a constant in flow of big bucks... the glamour, the fame, the fortune and the beauty... life really isn't that fair, is it?"
Is it a bad thing to feel unsatisfied with one's life? Not necessarily. It's more of a double-edged sword. Realising one's inadequacy in certain areas could inspire and motivate a person to work towards a goal. Which is a good thing, unless the goal is blatantly unrealistic. And of course, when being dissatisfied leads to a lowered self-esteem and distorted self-image, things could get highly complicated and ugly.
For myself, I'm not staring in front of the mirror and aiming to achieve Heidi Klum's figure. Instead, I'm staring at my list of "To-Dos" and am aiming to put a nice big tick beside each chore by the end of this week. I'm also expecting to put more ticks beside the goals I have made out for this year.
I want to do well this semester - straight As and no less. I want to play better squash and perform my best during the upcoming competition. I want to spend more time with my friends and family. I want to save enough money to go on a year-end holiday. I want......
Suddenly I realise that the more I get what I want, the closer I move towards the perfect version of me. Yet, the list of "Wants" never ceases to lengthen. Thus, one baby step closer to perfection could be undermined by five big steps away from it - simply because I've found more things I'm not happy with in my life. Will this ever come to an end? Probably not. It wouldn't be called a QUEST for perfection if it was so easily attained, would it?
[Time of Confession] 1:26 AM 0 Wisecracks for Me
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Saturday, August 28, 2004
If I Could Change One Thing
It's been a long and tiring week. I'm physically exhausted from all the squash trainings and mentally drained from schoolwork (at this very moment, 2.25am in the morning, I'm still discussing an assignment with my classmates - when will I ever get rest??)
I managed to steal some time away from all the things that are pending my attention to catch a chick flick "13 going on 30" with Bernice. It's her birthday treat which I have delayed for donkey ages.
However, it has never been more timely to catch a movie like this. There's absolutely no need to think - just sit back and enjoy, laugh when it's funny, sob during the sad scenes and go "Awwww" when the lead actress, babelicious Jennifer Garner ends up happily married with her childhood best friend and soul mate.
Much as I believe I'm the pragmatic realist that is somewhat cynical when it comes to relationships and the so-called "True Love", I do enjoy watching movies like these (which some may deem as "brainless" or "cliched") where there's always a good ending - the lead actress finds her Prince Charming and they live happily ever after. And for that split second as I exit the cinema, I shed that pragmatic self and adopt a dreamy outlook to life and love... wishing that maybe one day, I too, will find my Prince Charming...
Ahem. Anyway, there was this scene in the movie which left me a deep impression. Jenna (Jennifer Garner) is sitting at the breakfast table with her mother and she asks her mum,
"Mum, is there ever anything in your life that you would change? Anything you wish you hadn't done and now you're given the chance to undo it?"
Her mum looked at her straight in the eye and said, " No, there's nothing I would change."
"Even the things that you did wrong? The mistakes you made?" Jenna inquired
"No, not even the mistakes I made. For they have taught me how to make things right," her mum explained.
So much truth and meaning in a simple sentence.If all of us thought this way, to accept our lives as it is, moving with it rather than against it, maybe we would be much happier people.
[Time of Confession] 1:23 AM 0 Wisecracks for Me
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Thursday, August 26, 2004
Matters of the Heart
If you like someone, tell the person how you feel. Then something good might start. If not, the worst that could happen is just a rejection."
One of the many hackneyed phrases we hear so often from the "Aunt Agonies" around us but yet remains a struggle for many.
People always say that life is full of chances and risks. Matters of the heart lie in a thin line between the two. When you begin to develop feelings or a strong liking towards a particular person, you become conscious of his/ her opinion of you. More often than not, you pray, hope, wish, desire for the person to like you back, in the same intensity, if not greater. Why is it so difficult for people to accept unrequited feelings or rejection? What is it in our human nature that wants a two-way traffic in relationships? Is there no love great enough to give and not expect to be given?
Even for me, the fear of being emotionally hurt is crippling. Always let the mind and rationality rule over the heart - there's minimal risk of getting heartbroken. Getting heartbroken is just too much trouble. You can't sleep or eat well, you can't concentrate on your work, you feel miserable all the time, in general, you're a wreck.
Some people who choose to believe that "Love is a many splendoured thing" might argue that though minimal risk is involved, suppressing your feelings and letting your head rule over your heart equals closing all doors of opportunity to finding your one true love. But is there really a "one true love" for everyone out there? I seriously doubt it.
A close friend of mine once shared with me words of wisdom that still stay with me till today. She said " There is no such thing as destined soulmate or "The One". Different people compliment you in different ways, there is no perfect partner. Ultimately, the choice lies in your hands. Don't find someone you can live with, but someone you cannot live without."
Maybe it's time I sort out my own feelings and ask myself what I really want. But there's really no hurry, is there?
[Time of Confession] 1:16 AM 0 Wisecracks for Me
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
Blah Bleah Burp
The time is 3.21am - Thursday, 26th of August. I'm sleepy, fatigued and aching all over. Hence, there will be no proper journal entry today. I'm taking a 24 hour hiatus from writing. Experiencing a mild writer's block. Come back again in another 24 hours. I should have recovered by then. If not, wait another 24 hours. After all, good things do come to those who wait. Till then...
PS: It'll seem really nonchalant if I just ended after "Till then" but I still have something to add. After reading yesterday's journal entry, a friend of mine replied to tell me that I could be suffering from a sleeping disorder known as narcolepsy. Even if that's true, mine's probably a mild case. After all, scientists seem to have found a medical condition for every slight deviation from their pretty painted picture of a perfect human.
[Time of Confession] 1:14 AM 0 Wisecracks for Me
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
Dreams And Their Burdens
For the first time this semester, I woke up late. Not only did I miss half of an important lecture, I made my good friend, Evon, wait for me (I'm really sorry) AND she even had to save me a seat in the lecture theatre. The cause of my extended sleep wasn't due to a late night of partying or anything like that. In fact, I slept pretty early the night before as compared to my regular days. So why did I oversleep?
I was dreaming.
Unlike some people, I have dreams every night when I sleep. Sometimes even when I'm taking a short 5 min nap, I'm carried on fluffy clouds to a faraway dreamland. These dreams are often nothing special, about the people around me and things we've done or talked about. Only occasionally do I get a treat - Jay Chou decides to drop by, Kimura Takuya asks me out for a drink or .... Of course, there are the disturbing dreams which haunt me, but I tend to forget unhappy memories so that's not too bad.
Despite the fact that dreaming signifies the deepest state of sleep, it is the very culprit that causes me feel lethargic and look like the living dead the next day. I am beginning to suspect that my terrible eyebags are not hereditary. That's the price I have to pay for hanging out with drool-worthy dudes, even if it's only in fantasy.Last night, something different happened. My dream was nothing special - no guest appearances. It was just me and a good friend of mine, someone whom I was hanging out with just before bedtime. It wasn't even like I was dreaming. It felt so real it was as if I was living the dream. I was very conscious about my surroundings and what I was doing. I was so mentally and emotionally absorbed into the dream that I'm sure there was almost nothing that could wake me. Except maybe, a call from Evon, asking me where I was.
It's quite scary though, now that I'm thinking I could have just slept on forever. But then again, maybe it's only in the dark of the night, when I leave this surreal world, that I live a life of true reality.
[Time of Confession] 1:12 AM 0 Wisecracks for Me
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Monday, August 23, 2004
Being Alone
I meant to write about this in yesterday's blog, but after relating my friend's unhappy encounter with Mr. Crush, I decided that the entry was long enough. So I've carried it forward to today's entry.
If you've read Sunday's papers, in particular the Lifestyle section, you'll know very well what I'm going to write about. "Never been kissed" was the phrase the writer used to describe singles who've never dated or been in a relationship. Apart from the large, red lipstick stain on the frontpage, I was totally intrigued by the issue. Who wouldn't? Besides, it certainly was something I felt I could relate to.
Most of the "Never Been Kissed" people interviewed were (not surprisingly) women. In their late 30s, 40s and even 50s. These women were not lowly educated and had careers of their own. So why were they single? Was it out of choice? Their choice to remain single or because they were OUT of men's choice of an ideal woman partner?
Although these people occupy their lives with religion, family and friends, there's is still an uncontrollable sense of sympathy that exists for we all think that it is inevitable that one would feel lonely without a love of his/ her life.
Then I look at my own life and wonder. I'll definitely qualify to be in the category of the "Never Been Kissed". The only difference, perhaps, is that I'm much younger than the ladies mentioned in the article. Even so, a silent fear creeps up unknowingly upon me and grips me tightly in the chest. What if this continues till I'm 30, 40, 50?
Things may not seem that bad now because of my busy schedule - juggling schoolwork, giving tuition, squash trainings, hall life, friends and family - which keeps me occupied. But what if one day, being busy just ain't on my agenda anymore, I'll finally realise that I'm actually pretty much left alone. Will I be able to deal with it?
Just to comfort myself and the other singles out there, it is not impossible to be alone and yet not feel lonely. It doesn't have to be that way. Besides, I haven't even started on the plus points of being single... *grin*
[Time of Confession] 1:56 AM 0 Wisecracks for Me
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Sunday, August 22, 2004
Are All Guys Jerks?
It's a Sunday and I'd meant to sleep in a little longer. It's nice to be home after a week in school. However, a call from a dear friend of mine interrupted my beauty rest (Please don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining. In fact, it was a good thing that the call woke me up or I'd have wasted the morning away).
My friend Kimmy* had been clubbing the night before with her friends and a major crush of hers was invited too. Unfortunately, before Mr. Crush turned up, Kimmy had already drunk a bit too much and was rather tipsy.
Now, when Mr. Crush came with 2 friends of his, Kimmy, who was usually shy around Mr. Crush, boldly walked over to his table and started talking to Mr. Crush and his friends. Sadly, his actions were less than comforting. He seemed disinterested and even his friends seemed friendlier to Kimmy than he was. Much TOO friendly in fact. And this whole time, Mr. Crush did nothing to protect Kimmy from his overly-friendly pals or get Kimmy back to her table where her friends were. It wasn't as if Kimmy and Mr. Crush were complete strangers. Even if they were, a true gentleman should do something about the awkward situation!
Fortunately for Kimmy, she wasn't dead drunk and quickly escaped to the ladies when the men were too much to handle. It was a terrible thing to happen. She had wanted to talk to Mr. Crush, and since his friends were there, she was just trying to be nice to them. But they obviously took advantage of her friendliness.
When she narrated the whole incident to me, I told her flatly, "Forget about him lah. This kind of guy is not worth your time and feelings."
Then she asked me, "Why do girls fall for guys who are jerks??"
I opened my mouth to reply but no words came out. I replied, " Maybe it's because... nan ren bu huai, nu ren bu ai?" Nah, I seriously doubt that. After much thought, I decided that all guys are jerks, the same way all girls are bitches. It's just that different people are jerks and bitches to different extents. So there.
To end, I'll just share two of my favourite feminist quotes.
1. Guys are like laxatives. They irritate the shit out of you.
2. Guys are like parking lots. The good ones are taken and the ones left are the handicapped.
PS: Names have been changed to protect the privacy of my friend.
PPS: Would like to apologize to the FEW existing nice guys out there if you're offended by this.
[Time of Confession] 1:44 AM 0 Wisecracks for Me
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Friday, August 20, 2004
My First Blog
It's cold, gloomy and rainy... with the melody of Jay Chou's emotional track "Jie Kou" for company, I'm sitting in my cosy little room trying to "pen" down my very first journal entry. It'll probably end up being a really boring entry, but do read on, I'm trying my best. I promise.
I went for an interview today - for the Global Immersion Programme, with the hope of making it to study at Georgia Institute of Technology, Atlanta for a whole semester this coming Jan 2005. It wasn't the best experience.
Firstly, the weather. Not only were the dark skies dampening to my spirits, the heavy downpour didn't help me the least bit. Arrived at the International House looking like some dodo - all wet and messed up (my dear friend, Evon, offered to come along with me to give me support, but ended up in an equally sorry state as me. Stupid rain. Sorry Evon.)
Secondly, we couldn't find the toilet at that bungalow-like place (which looks really nice by the way). Thirdly, my interview didn't go as well as I'd have liked - my vice dean was present and he was shooting loads of questions I felt weren't quite relavant. Plus he was rather negative about the whole issue - he seemed to NOT encourage bio science students to go for this programme. Thus, he challenged almost every answer I gave. Well, que sera sera... hopefully I'll still be able to make it through.
After the interview, Evon and I headed back to SBS for our tutorial which was supposed to start at 3.30pm. So we had about 35 min to kill and we headed to the resource room, met up with Grace and Audrey and started our happy little conversation. At 3.30pm, we walked out of the resource room, and to our mock horror, a whole stream of Yr 2 students (incl. our tutorial mates) were exiting the lecture theatre.
One of our classmates said "You all didn't go for the tutorial? They combined the tutorial so that we can start early at 2.30pm." Stunned. None of us knew about the last minute change. No one informed us. Then all of a sudden, the whole thing seemed really funny. A classmate had once commented that the 4 of us always seem to be in a world of our own. I guess he was right.
[Time of Confession] 3:21 PM 0 Wisecracks for Me
_______________________________________________________________________________________
]>
_______________________________________________________________________________________