[C'EST MOI]
living paradox. individualist with anarchistic tendencies.
eludes eminence but appreciates subtle recognition.
capricious yet dependable. clandestine and unfathomable.
cynical realist who succumbs to the occasional idealism.
[J'AIME]
music. films. feasting & drinking. team sports.
good company; family, friends and those who share similar interests.
Sunday, January 30, 2005
Slurp. Burp. And then a sleepy grin.
30th Jan is one of the best Sundays ever. Other than the horrific realisation that my 'aunty scarlett' had decided to pay me a visit the night before (and hence thwarting my plans to swim at the beach) and my unsuccessful attempt to make her visit more pleasant by using a really scary invention (i shall leave you to guess what), the day was most enjoyable.
At Sunset Bay, under the scorching sun (not a good thing... but this is much preferred over a rainy day), it was as if we were starring in some Channel 8 drama - a group of sporty and good-looking (but of course) young friends heading to the beach for their weekend sweat and workout with beach volleyball and all... the beach filled with beach-bummers in their surf shorts, slippers and wind-blown hair. A rock band playing on a make-shift platform and their music booming along the entire stretch of sand and sea.
I guess the only un-drama thing that happened was when we were playing volleyball in a circle, I reached to set the ball and Joanne who was beside me, attempted a dig at the ball... the result was ugly. My whole right thumb was twisted backwards and the pain was unbearable. Now it's still slightly swollen and I can't exert pressure on it.
I'm dead serious - Joanne has got to stop physically abusing me! Once I got a bruised butt while we were playing squash. Not a pretty incident at all!! Haha...
Beach Babes
Anyway, after a quickie shower, Lena and I headed back to Harbourfront to get our wine before returning to her place for the BIG EVENT - our 21st birthday party!! Okay, it's not exactly our birthdays yet, but since she's returning to Australia soon and won't be back to celebrate all our birthdays with us (Evon, Peck Chin and myself), we decided to hold a pre-21 combined birthday bash!
I had so much fun preparing dinner with the master chefs (Evon and Lena - who were having their own Iron Chef competition to see who could cook the better pasta!) and of course, being the amateur that I am, I was assigned a simple cooking task of preparing the entree - scalloped potatoes. Wasn't as demanding as preparing the pasta, so that left me alot of free time to go round disturbing the chefs with my photo-taking.
My Scalloped Potatoes!
Having known each other for at least 7 years, it was really comfortable in each other's company and I've never laughed so hard at our own silliness for a long time. They are the friends that I have no qualms burping or farting in front of without feeling embarrassed (of course we girls burp and fart. how else do you think we get rid of the flatulence? through our ears?) .
Dinner was a feast - we had two types of marinara pasta; with cream and spicy tomato sauce, the scalloped potatoes, miso soup, chocolate mousse cake, konyaku jelly and white wine. I ate and ate till I almost exploded. And of course, as a result of such a heavy meal, I ended up 'bombing' Lena's room with my farting (ok it's sounding a little gross now).
Our Yummy Dinner
Cheers!
Birthday girls to make a wish
Determined to scare Lena and me, Evon and Peck Chin insisted that we watch "Shutter" - a Thai horror movie that was described as one of the scariest movie, many times worse than the Japanese movie "The Ring". I would definitely be up to it if I were still 17. Then I was gungho about watching horror movies. But nowadays, I avoid them at whatever it takes. I just can't bear to sit and scare myself for 2 hours, then face the traumatic after effects for days. I admit I'm chicken. I can't take the scare.
It's a good thing there wasn't enough time to finish watching the show - we only managed to watch the first disc (which wasn't that scary YET). Phew.
It's now past 12 - our 'birthday' is officially over. Time to get ready to face a new week at school. Bleargh...
[Time of Confession] 11:42 PM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Saturday, January 29, 2005
Weekend Woes
It's the weekend once again and I'm experiencing the ambivalence - as usual.
Don't know whether to smile or sulk because while I'm glad I don't have to go to school for 2 days and face 24/7 stressed up muggers, don't have to whine about feeling lonely in my single room, don't have to eat yucky school food or not eating proper meals altogether and being able to get out of that desolated campus; I'm also getting sulky because...
1. I don't want the new week to come.
2. I've got piles of catching up and work to do and that just deprives me of my weekend fun.
3. My sis is not at home and it's getting too quiet around here.
Anyway, though I'd really hate for the weekend to end, I think I'd better enjoy it while it lasts. Heading to Sunset Bay tomorrow for some beach volley, sand, sea and of course, a bonus of beach babes and hunks coz they're holding the annual Surf and Sweat there. Helllooooo goodlookin!
By the way, I've noticed flowers, bears, blablablah are being sold EVERYWHERE. Valentine's day is such an exploited occasion! Man, it's so overdone it makes me feel sick. The whole idea is just so pointless and redundant. Say what you want, but it's not sour grapes. I mean, if you're going to celebrate your relationship only because everyone else IN THE WORLD is, what's the significance of it all? And every relationship is unique in it's own way, it shouldn't never be subjected to such mass influence.
Bah humbug. They should at least have a single's day.
[Time of Confession] 4:14 PM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Sex and Lies
I'm getting increasingly disturbed. In the world that I see today, sex sells (and I'm thinking, with a title like this, the readership is sure to jump). It's no big deal. Gone are the days when the 's' word was oh-so-shocking. Now you have people saying f*** and eyebrows still sit comfortably at their resting positions. We don't even blink or flinch at it.
Some say we're more westernized, more liberal. We speak our minds and we do as we please. This is all part and parcel of the whole globalisation process - but at the same time, are we compromising our values and beliefs? More importantly, with the increasing nonchalant attitude towards sex, does it also mean that it no longer holds much value? Is lust the new love?
Our thoughts are subconsciously being moulded into what we see and what we hear. I am an ardent fan of F.R.I.E.N.D.S and I must have watched every episode at least twice. It didn't bother me that everyone in the show slept with anyone possible and that Joey bedded women as much as he ate. I mean, I'm just watching it for the humour and the entertainment. Why take it so hard, right? Maybe. But am I, in the process of chasing every episode, slowly condoning to the promiscuity of our new world?
The more I think of it, the more I am convinced than ever that true love is a much sought for, but one of the rarest things that ever existed. How can a girl trust that her man is with her because he truly loves her for who she is, and not because she satisfies his lust? Shouldn't sex be the premium of a lifelong commitment to someone - something soulful and meant to be held in high regard?
But it doesn't seem that way anymore. Sex now seems to have taken centre-stage and anything else, say commitment and marriage, is but an added incentive.
I find it all a pity, really.
[Time of Confession] 10:48 PM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Lingering
I'm tempted to say that I've got a writer's block and have nothing to blog about. But that's not true. In fact, my thoughts just continue to flow from the previous entry - about how terribly lonely it can get, the emptiness still lingers.
Night time's worse. It's quiet and chilly. Just the right atmosphere to get into the melancholic mood.
While I shouldn't feed on these negative feelings, my instincts are telling me that it's not within my control. Blame it on Mother Nature. It's PMS.
It's sickening how every month the gnawing, sinking feeling threatens to eat me up and suck the happiness out of me - like the Dementors that attacked Harry Potter. And some guys just think that we like using the 'monthly visit' to flare up and scream and be total bitches. Try having to deal with the crazy hormonal fluctuations every month for a week.
Alright. Need to psycho myself to think positive. The thing my mum has been drilling into me since I was 10 - yet sometimes I fail to apply.
At least I've got something to laugh about for now - Season 1 to 4 of FRIENDS.
[Time of Confession] 1:21 AM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Monday, January 24, 2005
Blah Blah Blah
The emptiness is slowly eating me up as I sit alone in my room gazing at the pile of assignments - hoping that looking at them is good enough to get the correct answers scribbled onto the blank lines themselves miraculously.
As I'd predicted earlier, this semester is indeed a stressful and heavy-laden one. But I never thought it would feel this bad. I guess I'm just in one of those "I feel like I'm the last person left here on earth" moods. And it isn't helping that it's exceptionally quiet around here today. And dammit, MSN is down yet AGAIN.
At least Tresa and Fifi had the hearts and thoughts to pop me a little surprise visit - or more of a shock cos they were practically screaming for me while outside my room. But it did make me feel a little better and that I still belonged to some civilisation.
Enough of self-pity. I just read Bernard's blog and he did a little 'research' on The UnXpected and not only found their blog but also left a comment there. Being little kaypo me, I went to check out the blog too and guess what, Shirlyn (the lead singer with babelicious eyes!!) actually mentioned about us: "bunch of kids.... the table to her left that was so noisy because it was someone's birthday" in one entry. And for record's sake, we weren't actually celebrating a birthday. The guys just thought it would be an acceptable reason to be so rowdy, so when Shirlyn asked the crowd "Is it anyone's birthday today?", someone from the group just shouted out, "Yeaaa!!! It's JACK'S birthday!!" Goodness. I guess we were really carried away that night.
Sometimes I don't know whether I bring it upon myself - this loneliness and emptiness. I complain to my friends that it's hard luck that I can't find a person to share my experiences with; but then I sit and think and maybe the problem lies with me. I'm afraid to put myself out there to be vulnerable to hurt and yes, I'm probably a commitment-phobe. The irony of the whole issue. I want yet I also don't want. What is it with me??!!
[Time of Confession] 1:02 AM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Saturday, January 22, 2005
Lazy Me
I've been in bed all day. Sleeping and dreaming. And more sleeping. Don't know what's wrong with me but ever since that night of partying I've been feeling exhausted all the time. Like I just can't get enough of rest. I'm suspecting it's the dreaming - my brain is overworked.
My friends asked me out to Sentosa for some beach volley today but I gave it a pass cos I woke up feeling a sore throat and a very itchy nose. Bad move. I reckon if I had forced myself to get off my lazy bum and soak up some sun and sea I wouldn't be feeling so lethargic now.
I haven't managed to get any work done as I'd planned. I realised there's nothing much I can do when the bulk of my references are back in hall. Sigh Sigh. And stupid MSN has to fail me now. Damn it!
[Time of Confession] 6:23 PM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Friday, January 21, 2005
Hooked on Wala Wala-ing
Last night was unforgettable. Despite being engulfed in thick smoke and having throbbing ears because of the close proximity to the speakers, the atmosphere and mood was perfect. 'The UnXpected' was rocking the house down at Wala Wala last night and so were we!
Earlier on at school, I was practically dying from brain malfunction and excessive loss of blood (read: i was coughing blood) - it was terok Thursday once again and I was struggling to make it through the 4 tutorials and that irritatingly tough biochemistry lecture. And did I mention? My lecturer had to prolong my misery by insisting on re-drawing every mechanism on the notes which resulted in the lecture ending 15 minutes later. 15 minutes of coughing blood is enough to take a person's life.
It was only until later that night, under the influence of smashing live band music, wonderful company and red wine that I mananged to ease my nerves and loosen up. We were like a bunch of crazy school kids (let me see who: Joanne, Tresa, Jacq, Fi, Yan, Ren Chun, Jack, Bernard, Bernard, Zhen Hua, Andrew, Kairen, Ping Guang, Weizhong, Simian, Eric, Rayner, Zhicheng, Dahui, Yanran, Yeling, Christine and probably lots more) shaking to the music while everyone else seemed contented being stationary with their drinks where they stood or sat. I still find it amusing how people can NOT want to move to the groove when there's music like that playing. Getting me to sit still in situations like these is like asking me to go for a $10 haircut. Meaning, impossible.
Some of the 47 guys seemed a little listless and bored initially I was worried they were missing doing their hand-signals thingy on their favourite Mambo nights. But soon the mood caught up with them and they were clearly enjoying themselves too. I guess we sort of added in a little of the clubbing atmosphere to the place last night and we were probably the largest, loudest, rowdiest and hippest group there.
It was also good to see Brandon again since don't know when. The last time we met he still had LOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNGGGGGGG (read:VERY long) hair. Last night, he was sporting a new haircut and a goatee! Fresh new look. I like! For the sake of those who are still clueless, Brandon's the drummer for The UnXpected and he's one talented and passionate musician. Sweet guy with a great sense of humour and he has some really interesting insights to certain issues. Ok, this is beginning to sound like a Friendster testimonial.
My throat is a little sore from the screaming over the loud music last night but I guess it's all worth it. Now it's back to work for me - thank goodness for nights like these so my life doesn't seem so mundane. Hello there, me, myself and I.
[Time of Confession] 1:56 PM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Wednesday, January 19, 2005
A Captivating Theatre Menace
[Time of Confession] 10:37 PM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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A master genius of music
[Time of Confession] 10:36 PM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Learn to be Lonely
Child of the wilderness Born into emptiness Learn to be lonely Learn to find your way in darkness Who will be there for you Comfort and care for you Learn to be lonely Learn to be your one companion Ever dreamed out in the world There were arms to hold you? You've always known Your heart was on its own So laugh in your loneliness Child of the wilderness Learn to be lonely Learn how to love life that is lived alone Learn to be lonely Life can be lived Life can be loved Alone.
This is a newly penned song from "The Phantom of the Opera - the movie" and it's got a nice poppish feel to it, very different from the rest of the repertoire. I'm still so into the movie although I've watched it ages ago. I just can't stop ranting about how good it is! Everyone should at least watch it once! (Psst, and did I mention how alluring and incredibly sexy the phantom looks?? But only with the mask on la...)
The melody of this song is really likeable but the lyrics are damn depressing. I had to overcome the temptation of putting it on repeat mode because I knew that once this song got the better of me, I'd lose all cheerfulness and start to become sullen and feel like I'm the last person left in the world and how no one loves me!!!
Okay, need to get a hold of myself.
Have got 4 bloody tutorials to rush and I am barely halfway through. The one I just completed looks just like a pile of rubbish. What the heck. Tomorrow's Thursday and once I get pass that, my long-awaited weekend will be here!!
[Time of Confession] 5:06 PM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Monday, January 17, 2005
Things that keep me smiling
I've had a good day today. A refreshing change from the usual lazy Monday. I'm noticeably upbeat and I think there's an added glow to my smile today. Ok, before I go on and sound excessively narcissistic, I must share with you the reasons behind the exceptionally dazzling smile I'm wearing.
1. The weather is a blessing to count. It was cool and cloudy. No rain, no glaring sun. Just my type of weather. Perfect for a good day.
2. I didn't wake up late today. Struggling with a biological clock gone haywire last week, I was late almost everyday and had to make my sweet friend Evon wait for me. It made me feel worse that she never got angry with me. Today, I woke up feeling refreshed and well-rested I bet I woke up grinning.
3. It's pay day. $$$. No need to further elaborate.
4. My student as usual, was a pleasure to teach. We had alot of fun analysing a really lame comprehension passage.
5. My student's mother invited me to stay for dinner and said, "Joy, you know you stay for dinner, the children are very happy." It really made me feel good that I made two people happy today.
6. I had a chat with my best friend. And I didn't have to worry about the phone bills because we were chatting via the internet! (Do download from Skype.com)
7. I'm going to watch 'Meet the Fockers' tomorrow.
My list just goes on and on.... I thank God for making this day so wonderfully beautiful.
[Time of Confession] 11:14 PM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Saturday, January 15, 2005
Delirium
Thursday 13th January: After making it through a dreadfully long day at school followed by tuition, I was found tiptoe-ing in the middle of a large, sweaty crowd in a poorly ventilated sports hall, trying to steal a glimpse at the cheerleaders with grins plastered on their faces as if they were wearing masks. Other than the Oohs and Ahhs from the spectators when there were maginificent throws or falls, incessant chatter rang throughout the hall and it threatened to blow up my already throbbing head.
Finally, at 10.30pm, it was our hall's turn to perform and soon after, the 5 of us - all very noticeably tired and drained, religiously made our way to the squash courts at NIE for some final training and strokes before the big day. Despite the fatigue we were all experiencing, we played hard and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. It was one of the most fun training I ever had.
Friday 14th January: I woke up with a badly swollen eyelid. Not a very auspicious way to start the big day, but with some help from this freakingly expensive eye gel from the pharmacy, the pain in my eye subsided so I could put on my contact lenses. That evening, well-rested from the training the night before, we were all geared up to face our fierce competitors.
Much as we wanted badly to win, we lost marginally - two games to three. Joanne, being the I/C, was very disappointed and even took the blame on herself for not winning her game. I too, lost my game and although we came so close to the gold medal AND a picture of us outside the hall's reading room, it slipped from us so quickly and went straight into the arms of the Hall 7 players.
However, I would like to express my pride in my team. We've shown a tremendous improvement from when we first started playing the preliminary games. Everyone was totally focused on their matches and really gave it their all there in the small, oxygen-deficient, heat accumulating courts. We may not have gotten the gold medals and a mention in the Hall Olympiad magazine, but we are definitely champions! The fighting spirit, the team unity, the determination we displayed is definitely sufficient to say that WE ARE THE BEST TEAM.
Emotional support within a strong team
After the match, a tinge of sadness lingered on - both because we missed our victory so minimally and also because this means that our fervent trainings would come to an end for the moment. Nonetheless, we were all out to celebrate our wonderful time together and what better way to do so than to eat, talk, chill and have fun!
It was to Holland V for a sumptious dinner of sambal stingray, sotong and lots more; alot of talking crap and laughing and more talking; then to Wala Wala for drinks and good music by EIC; then to town for ice-cream and more.... and of course, because of our dear Joanne, the outing was filled with numerous toilet breaks in between (those who were present will know what I'm talking about).
It was sad to say goodbye at the end of the night (actually it was already morning) but c'est la vie. I hate this feeling at the end when all the excitement dies down and you realise you're back in your normal mundane life ALONE.
Saturday 15th January: It feels good to be back home - although I'm aching all over and my eye is still itchy and slightly swollen. It's nice to have my sis chattering non-stop again and passing silly comments to make me laugh. I now know why I gain weight everytime I'm home - cause my sis keeps asking me if I'm hungry and volunteers to cook noodles or make some mash potatoes for me (she's an aspiring chef/ baker). I'm now full, satisfied and yes, of course, delirious.
[Time of Confession] 11:01 PM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Friday, January 14, 2005
Thursday's the Worst
They called it stormy Monday, but Tuesday's just as bad
Oh, they called it, they called it stormy Monday,
But Tuesday, Tuesday is just as bad
Oh, Wednesday is worst and Thursday's oh so sad
The eagle flies on Friday now, Saturday I'll go out to play
Oh, the eagle, the eagle flies on Friday, Saturday I'll go out and play
Sunday I'll go to church, and I fall on my knees and pray
I say, Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy on me
But Lord, Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy on me
You know I'm crazy 'bout my baby
Lord, please send her back home to me
This is the 7 day week to B.B. King. My week's slightly different. Here's how my song goes (to the tune of B.B. King's 'Stormy Monday') :
I call it lazy Monday, but Tuesday's not so bad Oh, I call it, I call it lazy Monday, Still stuck in the weekend mood Oh, Wednesday's slack but and Thursday's far from good
Got the high on Friday now, Saturday I'll sleep in all day Oh, I've got the, I've got the high on Friday, Saturday I'll just sleep in all day
Sunday I'll laze around, maybe, just maybe catch a movie in town.
I say, Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy on me I say, Lord, Lord have mercy, don't let this weekend end You know I'm not ready to face the week
Lord, please don't let lazy Monday get to me
Many apologies to those hardcore BB King fans out there who are thinking of murdering me for ruining his song like that (I actually think my version's not bad) - I'm just relating the song to my own life.
Didn't manage to bring out the horror of Thursday's in my version though - 'far from good' is really too mild to be used to describe Thursday. Maybe terok Thursday would be more accurate.
My Thursday's are hell because :
1. I have 4 tutorials to attend. This means a few things - I have to rush my work like crazy the night before (Mondays and Tuesdays are lazy days) , leading to a late night, and since I have to be up early the next morning, I will be suffering from a lack of sleep and fatigue on Thursday. Also, taking into account the amount of readings we're assigned for each lecture, I'd have to lug a thick stack of notes around on Thursday. My poor shoulders.
2. After the 4 tutorials, there's still a 2 hour lecture. This lecture is one of the worst this semester simply because there are millions of chemical mechanisms to memorize for this module. By this time, I'd be struggling to keep my eyes open while frantically scribbling arrows on the chemical structures.
3. I usually have to give tuition on Thursdays. It really depends on which student I'm tutoring before I can comment giving tuition sucks whatever remaining energy out of me. One of my students is spontaneous and enthusiastic - she's a joy to teach. The two hours always fly past without me knowing. As for the other, my new student, he's unresponsive and disinterested. He always looks like he's going to doze off and looking at him that way makes me want to sleep even more. I do hope this is only because he's not familiar with me yet, and will warm up to me soon.
It's now 0145hrs, Friday. Thursday's officially over and I'm still alive. I made it! Now it's time to make way for the weekend.
[Time of Confession] 1:45 AM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Wednesday, January 12, 2005
Topsy Turvy
The time is now 2316hrs and I just woke up from my nap and had my shower. I am about to start on my work (read: studying and doing tutorials which are due no later than tomorrow!!) which will continue, I forsee, till the wee hours of 0300hrs or so. Then of course, I would have to be up 5 hours later for another shower and my lessons.
This routine is crazy and is driving my biological clock in the wrong directions.
Sigh. I never meant for it to be this way, but somehow, I think I'm coming under the influence of my dear little hamsters and am turning nocturnal.
Never mind that, as long as I don't wake up one day and realise I've grown whiskers.
This friday is the final showdown between the Niner's and the Hall 7 squash players. We're going to fight it all out for the Gold medal and whatever the outcome, a smashing celebration will be called for - to applaud our team unity and determination! As usual, I'll meet with someone with a much greater calibre (I'm playing with our IVP first seed; also a national team player!!!) but I'll try very hard to give her a run for her points!
Talking about the match has got me pumping with adrenaline and excitement.... better harness it while it lasts and finish up my tutorials.....
[Time of Confession] 11:16 PM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again
You were once my one companion
You were all that mattered
You were once a friend and father
Then my world was shattered
Wishing you were somehow here again
Wishing you were somehow near
Sometimes it seemed if i just dreamed
Somehow you would be here
Wishing i could hear your voice again
Knowing that i never would
Dreaming of you won't help me to do
All that you dreamed i could
Passing bells and sculpted angels
Cold and monumental
Seem for you the wrong companions
You were warm and gentle
Too many years fighting back tears
Why can't the past just die?
Wishing you were somehow here again
Knowing we must say goodbye
Try to forgive, teach me to live
Give me the strength to try
No more memories, no more silent tears
No more gazing across the wasted years
Help me say goodbye
Help me say goodbye
[Time of Confession] 1:25 AM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Tuesday, January 11, 2005
A Silent Prayer
Dear God,
Make me an instrument of thy peace;
When there is hatred, let me sow love;
When there is injury, pardon.
When there is doubt, faith;
When there is despair, hope;
When there is darkness, light;
And where there sadness, joy.
Lord, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen.
[Time of Confession] 1:47 AM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Sunday, January 09, 2005
First Happy Thing to start the list
I have found something that just put a big smile on my otherwise very "dead" face.
My 2 hamsters are getting along well!
Evon gave me another Roborovskii hamster, ShaSha, with the intention of getting JJ some company. They fought quite a bit when I first introduced ShaSha to JJ. When they were not fighting, they were at separate ends of the cage. They remained far from each other all the time I almost suspected that ShaSha thinks JJ has some B.O or vice versa.
I was rather disappointed that they didn't take an immediate liking to each other because they're supposedly long-lost sisters. However, I took a risk and left them together while I went home for the weekend.
Now I'm back in hall again and they're sleeping side by side! How sweet!
[Time of Confession] 9:39 PM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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i wish i wish
why does my heart seem to be so still? So indifferent. Somehow I know I feel happy. I just know. But it must be hidden somewhere really deep within because it doesn't show.
Yesterday was my best friend's 21st birthday celebration. It was a truly enchanting party at a very tasteful Spanish-American restaurant. It was nice to see most of my college classmates together again (together with Grace's family and other close friends) and celebrating Grace's coming of age. It was also a very impromptu congratulatory dinner for our dear girl who's made it into medical school!
I could feel her exhiliration and delight in being with the people she loved the most. And knowing that they too, love her by the bountifuls, it must have been the greatest day of her life (second to the day she gets married of course!) . Lavished with greetings, hugs, kisses and gifts (oh yes the GIFTS), I bet I would have a numb jaw if I smiled as much as she did last night.
I must admit, I do envy her. Come my 21st birthday, I would be somewhere in a freezing library mugging for my exams. The people around me, too would be busy with the exam preparations, that day will come and go like any other.
Yes, I'm complaining.
I wish my birthday didn't have to fall in November. I wish I could throw a nice party at a jazz or blues bar - with great chillout music accompaniment. Even if I don't get to celebrate my birthday, I wish I had the money to study what I want to study. I wish I didn't have to be stuck in Singapore while the closest thing I get to becoming a vet is from the experience of Grace's friend who's studying vet science in Murdoch.
I could go on and on. But then I realise, the more I dig out the things I'm not happy with in my life, the more bitter and dissatisfied I become. I look into the mirror and I see a person who has life sucked out of her. It's like a body without a soul. A person with the knowledge that her dreams are merely fantasies.
I sigh.
I need to try to focus on the good stuff for it is the simple things in life that we derive true joy from, right?
[Time of Confession] 8:58 PM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Wednesday, January 05, 2005
Fighting Demons
I run as fast as I can into the unobstructed bare land in front of me. I have disregarded the common path lest it's a trap to lead me to none other than my nemesis. I feel the intensity of darkness grow as the light around me dims. It becomes so dark and chilly, it likens a monster's mouth swallowing me up. I grow weaker as I attempt to resist the evil. The shrill cackle rings beside my ear screeching, "You can't run away from mmmmmmeeeeeeeee....."
I try to cover my ears but I'm suddenly knocked over by an unknown force. The next thing I know, I'm falling into a very deep trench.... falling.....
Then I wake up.
These days, I'm a warrior princess. I've been fighting the sleep demon almost everyday. With a weather like that (read: cloudy, cold and sometimes rainy) , it's hard not to want sleep, all the time. The temptation of cuddling under the covers instead of having to beat the lethargy and laziness while carrying out the daily tasks is far too strong to resist sometimes.
Unfortunately for me, school has already started (dammit) and I have no choice but to fight this demon that's sucking the life out of me with all that I've got. And it's seriously not helping that my lecturers are already being so long-winded on the first day of school. One was especially bad that the only thing I can remember from that lecture was looking at my nails and wondering what colour I should paint them.
Oh dear. I have a bad feeling about this semester....
[Time of Confession] 9:51 AM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Monday, January 03, 2005
Last Words
Leaving my final words before I head to bed and wake up later this morning realising that my holidays are O-V-E-R. How tragic.
This one month has really passed me by like a brush of wind. It felt like only last week that was mugging like mad for my exams. I have barely gotten enough rest and now it's back to school, tuition and juggling my activities again. So dreadful. Yet I remember saying that I missed the above when my holidays just started. Such an irony.
Anyway, looking at this class picture taken during Xmas 2002, I'm more convinced than ever that time really FLIES. And it flies fast. It practically zooms by. I can still vividly remember what happened during the party... silly us sitting on balloons as we counted down and having to burst them at the stroke of midnight - the last person with an intact balloon would then have to face a forfeit!
Scarier than Sadako (that's me in the first row, third from left)
Times like these are transient but the memories will kept with me.
[Time of Confession] 1:55 AM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Sunday, January 02, 2005
The Comfort of Familiarity
The last time we had a class gathering for TJC 16/01 was two years ago, if I remember correctly. Before today, it seemed like forever since I've met up with my classmates (other than the few close friends like Grace and Bernice). Having been caught up with our own lives and activities, we seldom keep in touch via the telly or even internet. You can say that contact is minimal.
However, once we got together today, the two years practically vanished like it never existed. The previous gathering was like just yesterday. We immediately warmed up to each other and began to talk, joke and just have fun like in our college days. This is the beauty of familiarity.
It was a total delight being able to be in the company of a big group of good friends. At times like these, there's no room for loneliness and anguish. Whatever negative feelings I may have had before were left at the doorstep of Mingde's place. Gatherings like these is like taking morphine. It gives you the good vibes and makes you feel high with euphoria.
Determined to try something different this year, we did away with the steamboat and attempted to whip up a meal ourselves. Shopping at the supermarket has never been this good. There were at least seven guys to carry the groceries.
Back at Mingde's house, we all felt so at home (any feeling of uneasiness would only arise because of the teeth-baring Milo, his very territorial dog). We raided the kitchen to prepare the pasta, salad (that's my job! it took me ages just to do the carrots....), satay and nuggets. Dinner was delicious - not bad at all with so many cooks! The saying is not true after all....
Too many cooks won't spoil the broth
After dinner, we sat through 2 hours of comedy relief by watching "My Tutor Friend", a hilarious Korean movie. This is the 3rd time I'm watching it but I was still laughing so hard I almost teared.
By ten, we have had eaten, talked and laughed alot. The only thing left undone is.... to drink. The guys then suggested playing 'Zhong Ji Mi Ma' - the forfeit being to drink a shot of either vodka or whisky (note: it is UNdiluted).
The forfeits came around and I was the last one standing who has luckily escaped the forfeit. Sadly, the lucky streak was not meant to last. Soon enough I had to down a shot of vodka (yucky... i hate vodka... it always gives me the runs) and then it was two or was it three more shots of whisky. By then I was beginning to feel hot and my face was getting redder and redder. Dammit. Even my burp had the taste of alcohol... how gross is that.
Now I'm suffering from bouts of headaches and can't get to sleep because I drank too much Chinese tea. But I'm not complaining. It's not everyday I get to bond with my friends like that and have so much fun together. As the chinese saying goes, there is no party that doesn't end. Before we knew it, it was past one and we had to head home before Luyi passed out on the couch because of all the vodka she drank.
It's been a wonderful evening. We should get together more often (ahem.... classmates, if you're reading this, this is a prompt...). Knowing that soon most of my friends will be leaving to study abroad (either starting or continuing their courses), I can't help but feel sad because when they leave, a part of me goes with them.
I love you guys so much. Thanks for being such a big part of my life... Cheers to our friendship!
[Time of Confession] 3:33 AM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Saturday, January 01, 2005
Then & Now
It's New Year's Day of Year 2005. Like every other year, there will be no new year resolutions for me. For one, even if I did make any, they'd be long forgotten by the time March comes along. In addition, people who believe making resolutions are important for becoming a better person, I say, why wait till one year is over? We should constantly reflect upon our actions and review our mistakes. The self-renewal process should be a daily affair. Not annual.
For me, I like to think back on the past year and look at myself through a second party point of view. How have I changed? How has the things that happened affected me? How have I responded to each situation, good or bad?
This very moment one year ago, I was high on alcohol, tipsy and drunk with delight. I was with 2 of my very good friends (we had a hell of a party at O-bar for the countdown), a very special someone and his friends. I was crazily in like (love is still too strong a word for me to handle) with this friend of mine and being able to spend new year's with him was like a dream come true.
Now, I'm sober and wide awake. The countdown was a low-key affair in Blue Note at Boat Quay with Lena. It's just the two of us with our beers and soothing music from a jazz band. No more loud, thumping music. No more dancing till my feet hurt. In fact, my feet must love me to bits today for I was sitting more than standing today.
That special someone remains a special friend to me but things have turned out in such a way that I am no longer able to feel so much for a person. At least there isn't anyone who is able to make me feel the way I did. Maybe this just shows that I've matured, sobered and wised up over the year.
Clubbing and drinking has lost it's appeal to me. Unless I have a great company of friends to club with, I'd rather just chill.
Matters of the heart have taken the backseat. Much as I want to find someone to share my life with, my skepticism and cynicism towards relationships in our society is a great impediment. Broken relationships, boyfriend/ girlfriend troubles, cheating on each other... things like these I am seeing more and more.
If there's one thing I can hope for in this new year, it would be the same thing I wish for everytime. I wish to find joy. I hope to be happy. It's that simple. And selfish.
[Time of Confession] 3:38 AM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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