Confessions of an Undisguised Drama Queen

Monday, November 29, 2004

Of Guilt, Models and Idols

The second last episode of America's Next Top Model just aired and sadly, it's April's turn to leave. Well, although she isn't the hot favourite for most people because of her "over-analytical" character and "much too mechanical" approach towards modeling, a part of me hoped that she would clinch the title of the next top model. Why? Because she has Asian roots. Like me.

I guess that's the beauty of reality shows. Most of the time, we root for the contestant we are most able to relate to. For ANTM, most people adore Yoanna for her classic beauty (my sis says she looks exactly like Anna Sui's "Dolly" perfume bottle) , but maybe, the fact that she once had to deal with weight issues (and is still dealing with them i believe) has won some people over - no one has the perfect body; and plus-sized people can too be beautiful.

For Shandy - who says the nerd can't take on high end fashion? Just drop the glasses, put on some make up, do your hair and viola.

For Mercedez - her determination and resilience to stay focused in this competition despite the fact that she's suffering from a chronic disease is the epitome of a woman's strength.

For Camille - we all have a little of that bitchiness that we see in her.

And of course, the bitching just makes the show all the more interesting and worth watching.

Models aside, an overwhelming sense of guilt is bugging me as my scratchy throat and runny nose refuse to subside (i'm down with a bad cold after getting drenched in the rain while at JB with my hall friends yesterday afternoon. i swear the rain there is filthier than in singapore! i've been caught in the rain numerous times but have never fallen this sick before. drats). We had a really really BIG seafood dinner last night and I ate till I felt I could roll all the way home from JB. Not an ideal dinner especially for someone who's supposed to be on a low calorie diet! Oops...

What's worse, instead on drinking lots of water and taking watery foods (like porridge?), I couldn't help but succumb to the tempting call of the Penang tambun biscuits I brought back. Within 24 hours, 1/2 the box is sitting comfortably on my tummy and butt areas. Shit. Not in the best moods!

Shan't think too much about the biscuits. I will try to lock it away till I'm better, and if that doesn't work, I shall have to offer the rest of it to my sis (who eats anything and everything, by the way). Hopefully I won't have to resort to that (NOOooooooo........ don't take my tambun biscuits away from meeeeeee....).

For now, I'm looking forward to Wednesday night - the showdown between Ah Beng "Cannot speak english" Sly and Soulful "Heavy Lined Eyes" Taufik! I really hope Taufik wins this competition - he deserves to. As for Sylvester, his attraction to screaming girl fans is amusing. And fatal - to Taufik's victory. People, please vote wisely!!!

And one last thing. Anyone has Singapore Idol tickets to giveaway? I have one desperate Sly fan looking for them!

[Time of Confession] 12:45 AM
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Sunday, November 28, 2004

Okay, last one. We're getting weird stares...

[Time of Confession] 10:28 AM
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Funny faces 2

[Time of Confession] 10:27 AM
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Funny faces 1

[Time of Confession] 10:27 AM
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There's still time...

[Time of Confession] 10:27 AM
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Nothing to do while waiting for the concert to begin so...

[Time of Confession] 10:26 AM
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The ticket stub

[Time of Confession] 10:16 AM
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The Morning After

There were no fanciful costumes. No heroic fighting with beasts. No spectacular stunts. No sleek basketball moves. Just pure musical talent.

Last night, $130 poorer, tired and achy, I was almost unenthusiastic about attending his concert. "Incomparable to Jay" - the long awaited Jay Chou world tour, yet I couldn't feel the hype. I guess I was kept waiting too long. Not that the headache caused by the stupid taxi helped (motion sickness. urgh.) Well, I did feel a little guilty that I was sullen and complaining of my discomfort with Grace around. As a Jay fan, I should have shown more moral support for Jay, especially in front of my best friend who's not a fan and forked out the same amount as me to attend this concert (oops...).

Anyhow, amidst screaming fans with glow in the dark banners and colourful light sticks, the headache slowly left me and adrenaline started to seep in. Then there were fireworks. And there came Jay from above.

Doing numbers from his latest album as well as all time favourites like "An Jing" (I tell you, his version is still better than that idol-wannabe, Sylvester. Because it's the original). I was lala-ing along more than singing because there were parts I couldn't follow (like the rapping. way too advanced for me)

Though I was not as hyped up as I was last January during his 2003 concert (or it could be that I've matured since then...hmmm) I was genuinely impressed with his musical talent. For one, he didn't forget his lyrics. Which most Jay fans will know, is a mistake he has the tendency to commit.

Of course, other than perfect pitching and intact lyrics, he literally blew me away when he whipped out a chinese flute. Then, sitting at a shiny white grand piano, my jaw dropped in awe when I saw his deft fingers move over the black and white keys (i also thought of my regular clanking and felt embarrassed). At the finale, he rose to the stage with his guest performers, Nan Quan Mama and Landy - with a drum set.

He reminded me why I like him in the first place. Not looks, not so much of voice and showmanship, but pure musical talent - is the reason why I am his fan.

This morning after, there are no withdrawal symptoms from last night's concert (except maybe, a bit of a sore throat). Just a revived, unexpressed surge of admiration for Jay and his love for music. I wish him a greater success ahead and a continual growing fan base (hopefully more mature people like me and less girly screechy fans.... what am i thinking? that's impossible). Inspired, I shall retreat to the piano and make some Sunday noise while relishing the memory of Jay playing "Flight of the Bumblebee"...

[Time of Confession] 9:57 AM
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Friday, November 26, 2004

What a Singleton Needs...

Well, other than a dashing, suave, non-psychotic, non-alcoholic, non-workaholic knight in shining armour (did i mention handsome? rich? right, add that in), what a singleton needs in her sad, lonesome life are:

1. Lots of cigarettes
2. Lots of booze
3. Lots of food (only the high calorie ones thank you)
4. 3 friends to smoke, booze and eat with
5. A Diary

Alright, alright. I forgot to mention that the above is only applicable to a certain Ms Jones living in a faraway land where people say arse instead of ass.

So, for the rest of us who do not want to end up overweight and cancer-stricken, I say, if you're not happy being single (and there's no reason why you should, by the way), get a pet.

Before you call the SPCA and report me for blatantly promoting a mass purchase of household cuddlies (in other words, pets) , let me warn you that this is a definite NO-NO for the commitment-phobes.

Having had terrapins, fishes, dogs and now a hamster, I can tell you that having a pet does make a wonderful difference in one's life. At the end of a lousy day, the thought of seeing my pet look at me with those bright, eager eyes is enough to make me skip home happily like a schoolgirl. Knowing that my pet is dependent on me for food, shelter and love gives me a sense of responsibility and self-worth. Finally I feel like I'm needed.

Of course, pets return you the favour by loving you unconditionally, keeping you company on lonely nights and basically by adding joy and meaning to your life.

Still not convinced?

It's been medically proven that stroking a pet lowers one's blood pressure and relieves tension.

See, even the doctors have given the green light.

P/S: I'm single and I do have a pet - but that doesn't mean that any guy meeting the above requirements (in the first para) has to make a detour. I'm still available. Leave me a note on my tagboard.

[Time of Confession] 9:15 PM
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Thursday, November 25, 2004

He came, he sang, he melted my heart

[Time of Confession] 12:22 PM
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Singing the Blues...

I'm feeling lazy today.
I'm listening to the blues.
I'm thinking of Trevor.
I'm thinking about the dream I had about him.
I'm thinking he's probably forgotten about me.
I sigh.

"From the day we met, you know I play the blues for you..." he sings
"Now I'm thinking about you baby, I wanna know if you're thinking about me too..."
If only he sang that to me.
Wishful thinking on my part.
But I don't care.
Everyone's free to dream.
So just let me dream on then.

[Time of Confession] 11:59 AM
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Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Dr. Jekyll, Ms Hyde

It's a lovely weather today. No glaring sunshine, no heavy downpour, just a nice sky with enough clouds and a cool temperature. I've spent a whole afternoon with me, myself and I - reading most of the time and resting my sore shoulders from yesterday's morning swim all of the time.

I like being able to have some time alone... to think, to reflect and the one I like best, to daydream. I'd mentioned before in one of my journal entries "The Quest for Perfection", that my list of to-dos just keeps accumulating day after day, hour after hour, and this just pushes me further away from my perfect life. After much thought, I have discovered another thing that is impeding my quest.

My personality.

Most people are either idealistic perfectionists or pragmatic realists or both (but one type is usually more prevalent than the other) . I, on the other hand, seem to be exactly equal of both. I'm an idealistic yet pragmatic perfectionist/realist. You may wonder - so what's the whole big damn deal? What difference does it make.

Alot of difference.

I believe that this is the exact personality trait that is slowing me down or even stopping me from achieving what I want. In the first place, it is questionable if what I want in life can really be achieved or is it just blown-up dreams from my idealistic side. This idealistic side of me is also the reason why I sometimes take up so many responsibilities, want to do a good job in everything I take up and want to be good in everything. Sports. Music. Academic. Aesthetics. Everything. This could be a good thing, yes, I believe that is possible, but sadly, most of the times, I fail to see my limits and I just keep thinking that I can do everything I set out to do as long as I try my best. Is this just a delusion?

On other occasions, Ms Pragmatic sets in and questions my own abilities. When I'm on the route of pursuing something I like and something else comes along (another interest, another responsibilty crying out for my attention), Ms Pragmatic tells me to put whatever I'm doing on hold. Till a later date. Till a time when it's more practical. So I do. I put it on hold. And God knows when I will get back to it.

The merger of this two personality traits have resulted in me making alot of decisions that I've come to regret. Alot of choices in my life, alot of lost opportunities. This internal struggle between what I want and what I should do is why I have not completed my course in classical piano, I only know how to play a few chords on the guitar, I've stopped playing the flute after I graduated from secondary school and hence was no longer in the band... There's a long list of other things I want to but have yet to accomplish. And they just sit there on the list, till the right time comes alot. But will it?

[Time of Confession] 6:00 PM
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Sunday, November 21, 2004

Adieus~ My Happy Bumming Days

Come tomorrow, I will have to leave the comfort of my cosy little air conditioned haven, my warm bed and my fluffy pillows, my comfy chair (yes, with wheels, so I can access every corner of my modest room) and my darling insomniac JJ whose "night-cycling" is increasingly annoying my sister because of the rattling of her cage when the wheel spins.

There will no longer be the afternoon teas on my couch with my hot lipton, lying motionless as the tv takes a fancy to glaring at me; or watching with much glee, my pet hamster, as she attempts to hide away by burrowing into the not-so-deep bedding I've just changed for her ; or sitting in my comfy chair, curled up with a book or simply just sitting at the piano and irritating the shit out of my neighbours with my clanking.

When tomorrow comes, my 3 days of luxury bumming will officially come to an end. I will head back to the remote end of Singapore (or Nua-ing Tuas University, as my friend loves to call it) and begin a holiday from hell.

Okay maybe I'm over-reacting a little. How bad could it be playing squash, softball, basketball, volleyball and hockey altogether? It's just two, at most three, practices per sport per week.... wait. That DOES sound bad. Sigh. What have I gotten myself into???

Let's just hope that at the end of the next 5 weeks, I'll still be alive and kicking. And it'll be an added bonus if I lose the flab that I've piled up during the exam period.

Goodbye bed. Goodbye pillows. Goodbye couch. Goodbye .....

[Time of Confession] 9:17 PM
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Saturday, November 20, 2004

Burp. Ms Whiny's in Town

As I'm typing this, I'm feeling terrible. I'm at my study table and my butt is on the chair, filling it almost too snugly. My big tummy is so bloated I bet it could reach my knees as I'm sitting down. I've got too much air in me - this explains the burping (yea, i know... it's gross. but hey, i'm only human). I feel FAT. My hair feels like hay after I went swimming yesterday (darn the chlorine). I feel terribly terribly unattractive as I am now. Whine. Whine.

Despite the fact that things don't seem to be very encouraging (like how i'm feeling irritated now as my sis has taken a hobby to rolling around the room on a chair with wheels), I need to keep a positive outlook and STOP whining! Something good... think about something good.... *thinking VERY hard*

Okay, something to be proud of - I went to the library today! Managed to drag my zombied self out of the living room couch (I was practically ONE with the couch) and head to a nearby community library to get some books to read so that the brain I've fed so well while preparing for the exams (which are already over by the way... yippee! another good thing to add on to the list! i'm feeling better already!) will not disintegrate away cause of under-usage during this year-end holiday.

I borrowed 4 books - 2 for light reading (read: girly novels that don't need much brain work and thinking), 2 for interest. The two books I got purely out of interest are "The blues" by Tony Russell and "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Jazz" (okay laugh all you want but i'm not an idiot). I've gotten totally intrigued by blues music ever since I heard Singapore's very own Universal Blues Band play.

If you don't already know, they're still in the No. 1 spot in Joy's "Platinum Bands" chart! Ahem. And yes, I'm still mulling over the fact that the band has taken an indefinite hiatus since the end of October because dear Trevor has to go back to Australia for 2 yrs... I know I've said this a million times but, I WILL MISS U GUYS!

Sigh. I think I've just made myself feel worse than I already am. Now I'm whiny AND sad.

[Time of Confession] 10:55 PM
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Friday, November 19, 2004

Sexed Up

Loose lips sunk ships
I'm getting to grips
With what you said
No it's not in my head
I can't awaken the dead
Day after day

Why don't we talk about it ?
Why do you always doubt that there can be a better way?
It doesn't make me wanna stay

(Chorus)
Why don't we break up ?
There's nothing left to say
I've got my eyes shut, praying they won't stray
And When I'm sexed up
That's what makes the difference today
I hope you blow away

You say we're fatally flawed
Well I'm easily bored, Is that okay?
Write me off your list
Make this the last kiss
I'll walk away

Why don't we talk about it?

"Sexed Up" by Robbie Williams

[Time of Confession] 4:57 PM
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Just some drama...

[Time of Confession] 4:47 PM
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Tuesday, November 02, 2004

The beginning of the "pre-adult" years...

It's exactly 2 days to my 20th birthday. Being called a pre-adult couldn't be more appropriate. "Pre-adult" - it is not quite the common label as the rebellious, attention and identity-seeking "Pre-teen" or "Teenager", nor the financially-challenged, 5C and long-term partner-seeking "Adult" (this is a mere generalisation, pardon me).

Now as I am reaching the end of my nineTEENth year, it is almost like the end of days for my teenage years. Despite the fact that I'm still left with 48 hours before the clock determines my fate as an "in-between", I am unfortunate to not have the opportunity to have a "helluva" good time partying and enjoying what's left of my teenage years. Darn the exams.

Well, I really am making a mountain out of a molehill. After all, age is just a number. How old a person is doesn't necessarily reflect success, maturity and experience - which are what really matter - so it's not much of a big deal, right?

[Time of Confession] 1:33 AM
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