[C'EST MOI]
living paradox. individualist with anarchistic tendencies.
eludes eminence but appreciates subtle recognition.
capricious yet dependable. clandestine and unfathomable.
cynical realist who succumbs to the occasional idealism.
[J'AIME]
music. films. feasting & drinking. team sports.
good company; family, friends and those who share similar interests.
Thank God the fever and throbbing headache's subsided. I'm probably at the last part of the 'invalid' cycle, somewhere near the road to recovery, hopefully.
Being 'invalid' really reduces my productivity by folds. I can't think, hear or even talk properly. Sometimes, I think I'm shouting already, but in actual fact, I'm just mouthing words.
Then I look like some idiot who's trying to speak properly without letting the mucus and drool flow all over, scaring the person I'm talking to away in disgust. "Tone ko! I haben toad yew watt I wan too sey!" (the nasal translation of : don't go! i haven't told you what i want to say!)
Oh, just blame it on the fact that the ears, nose and mouth are all interconnected.
Unlucky me had to meet my nemesis AGAIN.
After a very unfortunate event of meeting him on the bus yesterday (yes, just bumping into him is bad luck already), we had Mr. Hitler's tutorial class today.
He's really creeping the shit out of me... even Von insists he wears a sadistic smirk whenever he shoots questions at us.
And I noticed something fishy too: the past two tutorials seemed to emphasize on *surprise-surprise* PAIN. (and this part of neurobiology wasn't even covered in the lectures!) How convenient huh... torturing us with what is likely his favourite subject of Neurobio.
He derives pleasure from pain. What an oxymoron.
Anyway, I am certainly glad I won't be having any more lectures by him; hopefully the next lecturer will show some humanity.
We've (Von and I) officially started on our project! Erm, sort of. We're preparing the materials we'll be using and should be able to start with the real lab work soon...in no time, yeast cells will be our best friends!
It's quite unnerving to embark on a system that is totally new to the lab; and the fact that we're not familiar with the people there only makes it worse.
At previous lab, it definitely felt more relaxed and friendly because most of the people there are locals and aren't very much older than us. Here, it's mostly foreigners who are much older and experienced compared to us (most are already working on their POST-DOCTORATES already!! experts sia... not like me... so lao pok).
But it's not totally a bad thing.
As I told Von, I think it'll be a good learning experience because we'll be probably be more independent in our working style and hopefully more gungho when it comes to making decisions, not relying so much on our seniors like we did before.
So exciting... it's like the start of a new chapter!
[Time of Confession] 3:49 PM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Monday, August 29, 2005
If maths truly exists, then I hope the little happy things in life add up; taking the gloom away.
One of the few little things that made me feel better despite a mucus-running nose, an extremely painful throat and a head-throbbing fever.
My buddy, Von, sent me this picture this afternoon, for no particular reason, but looking at it just brings back many happy memories. It's the kind of feeling where you can't stop smiling to yourself, thinking: 'Those were the days...'
This was taken a whole 5 years ago when we were only in our sweet sixteens. It was a memorable trip to Perth with the band. I really miss those days in band... there was, no doubt, a great sense of belonging. Something that I crave so badly these days.
Reminiscing does shift some focus off the present, numbing whatever pain or woes that were gnawing incessantly before.
Then there was sweet and caring Tresa who bought lunch and dinner back for me. I'm really one lazy bum. Had she not offered to buy food back, I'll probably live on water and my vitamins... too weak to go out to get food. Thanks gal!
Now, there's nothing I want more than to get well... I hate feeling weak. Bleah...
[Time of Confession] 10:02 PM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Saturday, August 27, 2005
It's all in the packaging
What my Garb Threads Say About me
What others see from your style Although to the untrained eye you may seem like a plain dresser who avoids trends, you actually wear carefully designed accessories and clothes that emphasize your uniqueness. <-- i like to be one of a kind. it's a good thing i'm not a twin) You value your freedom and have an artistic mind.<-- agreed You are neither aggressive nor timid, but you believe in yourself. <--not so much. gotta work on it.
What your nightclothes reveal You are friendly and always in good mood. You are candid and helpful, and can be sexy at times too. <-- no comment
What others see from your ties You enjoy being alone. <-- sometimes, but recently, it's a been a bit too much already You like to life the simple but good life, and you cherish your freedom. You are thoughtful, confident and uninterested in glamour. <--no... i do occasionally dream of being some big star or socialite so i get to wear different designer togs everyday
What others see from your belts You are a frank, assertive and sometimes flamboyant person. You are friendly and want to be accepted by everybody. <-- i need to be loved! You like to have fun, to be free, and to live a comfortable lifestyle. <--yes,yes,yes
What others see from your shoes You are kind and open-minded. You may not be talkative, but you are friendly and enjoy the company of intelligent people. <-- i like smarties... the candy too. You always keep the secrets of others, and never play tricks on people.
What others see from your earrings You are a sweet and talkative person. <--wait, i'm not talkative (above) and i'm talkative. so which one? oh, i could be both. You are sociable, energetic and interesting, and get easily bored by the same old things. You are always looking for adventure. <-- yup. that's my short attention span for you.
The last analysis You are probably a clever and adventurous person. <-- what? probably only?? You love to learn new things, and enjoy socializing with friends. Although you enjoy your freedom, you cherish peacefulness and like to spend time alone with your thoughts.
[Time of Confession] 8:18 PM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Friday, August 26, 2005
Inner strife
I have been down the past week. It's inexplicable; the wave of emotions that overcome me persistently. I know that there are people around me who are concerned, and I apologize for any added worry.
I'm unhappy with my status quo, yet, being the moony and inert person I am, I'm not actively doing anything about it. I want things to change but I don't really know how to go about it: it's like I'm hoping things will just change better overnight. That I will wake up finding myself positively upbeat, I will have people who I care about and who care about me around, I will be engaging in activities with friends who share common interests, just having friends to hang out with and who are not 'too busy' or 'too caught up with their lives'.... no one ever has the time for me anymore.
And because of that, it struck me that I don't belong.
Even today as I was walking back to hall, I met a friend of mine who used to stay in the same block as me. We were actually quite close for a while - he's my 'godbrother', but we just lost contact after a while (which is really funny because we're still staying in the same hall). And when he saw me he said, "Hey! What happened to you? You like disappear from hall!"
How did things end up like that?
It's not the only time I feel detached from my friends and closed ones. We just lose touch. And then I find myself alone.
Is it me? Could it be, that I'm meant to walk thru this life alone?
It's depressing.
But at least I have cheered up considerably this evening.
My good friend, Theresa, came back to hall to visit Tresa and I. The 3 of us had a super long dinner at Billy Bombers, stuffing ourselves silly with their giant-portioned set meals and singing along to the oldies they were playing.
Then we went shopping for beauty stuff and got back to hall to pamper our pretty faces by doing a mini-facial (whitening masks!) and watching Madagascar while Tresa ran off being busy with other stuff...
I really appreciate their company... wish we could do this more often.
I hope things will start to pick up soon. I hate being gloomy. Sucks.
[Time of Confession] 1:39 AM 2 Wisecracks for Me
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Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Revelation
I think I might have discovered what exactly I'm lacking.
What I need that could possibly turn my miserable existence around.
A sense of belonging.
Now where do I find it?
[Time of Confession] 10:25 PM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Picking Up
Been tied up with work since Monday: rushing tutorials like crazy. It's really a hefty price to pay, having 2 days of tutorials back-to-back. My loss? Sleep. And it's worser than it could be because Mr. Sandman refuses to stop visiting. Thus, my brain is really working 24/7 and no less.
Thank God for Wednesdays for me to catch up on my sleep (and more dreaming, actually). Sadly, my short wednesdays officially end this week. Come next week, I'll be starting on my project and it'll take more free-time off my hands. It's both a good and bad thing I guess. At least I'm doing something productive, rather than bumming around, complaining of inactivity.
I'm such a whiner sometimes, and I really hate myself for it.
Still ain't in the best of moods, but being able to come home mid-week works wonders. At least I have the comfort of my air-con room to work (no more microwave afternoon).
What's wrong with me? I keep getting really crazy moodswings. I think one day I will drive myself crazy.
It's weird. I'm actually looking forward to the weekend, but honestly, there's nothing to look forward to this weekend. I guess it's the only way to keep myself going thru the week. Like an illusional prize at the end.
Joy is no longer joyful.
[Time of Confession] 4:11 PM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Saturday, August 20, 2005
A Quiet Prayer
As is the undergrowth of the forest, the dim world of decay So is the nature of my spirit.
As is the tundra of the artics, barren and fallow So is the song of my soul.
My heart is desolate, my mind blank. The shadows spread as the vacuum deepens.
As is the flower in winter, there's nothing to hold on to.
But the innate desire to be sustained clings on, I seek the strength to be revived.
I look above the imperfection of man, And turn my hopes to the Mighty One.
In Him, I will find my hope and restoration. My Jesus never fails.
I lift up my eyes to the hills-- where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip-- he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD watches over you-- the LORD is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD will keep you from all harm-- he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.
-- Psalms 121
The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
-- Isaiah 40:28-31
[Time of Confession] 6:51 PM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Salvage
Thank God for the weekend.
I can finally break free from the desolation that plagued me the entire week.
It's all coming to me now, why I'm feeling this way.
I have nothing more to work towards to, other than my studies. There is no longer any more IVP squash team. All the gruelling 3 times a week trainings, the mental and physical challenge, it no longer exists.
I now return to an empty room everyday after school and hour after hour, I have only my books to face.
It's an irony though.
When I was juggling millions of activities, I wished I could have more time for my work.
Now when I only have my work, I feel miserable. It's like not having a hobby anymore. I can't wait to start my project - at least I will have a short term goal to work towards (precisely what I'm lacking) and something to occupy my hollow afternoons.
And it doesn't help that most of my close friends have either left or graduated. I have never felt more alone.
Anyway, being home for the weekend really does magic on my mood. For one, there is no quiet moment with my sister around. Her weekly events are enough to last the entire day and night.
And yesterday, for the first time ever, I went on a sponsored l**g**** shopping spree with my mum's credit card. CREDIT CARD. For ME to sign. Wahahaha... (this actually came as quite a surprise to me, it's very unlike my mum to sponsor any shopping. She seems to be in a good mood lately. Even my sister noticed that she's more upbeat and is nicer to my siblings. I hope this keeps up!)
But of course, being the sensible daughter I am, I didn't max-out the card. In fact, it's barely even a spree.
Now that I've managed to seek asylum, I don't feel like going back.
[Time of Confession] 10:55 AM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Island
Somehow I feel I have been somewhat isolating myself lately.
It's not so bad at school because I'm constantly running from class to class with my comfortable clique of 4. Most of the time almost 100% concentration is on work, work, work, and I'm fine by it.
But when I get back to hall, I'm pretty much alone. Not that I'm complaining, because I've already gotten used to staying alone and not socialising much - I stayed 'high up in the mountains' for a whole year.
It's a two-way thing, actually.
The fact that I don't have many friends in hall and the people around are somewhat on a different wavelength; and I myself am tired of the long process of getting to know people on a deeper level which will probably lead to the discovery of some common interest that we share.
So everyday when I return from my lessons, I automatically turn to my isolation mode. I live in a world of my own.
I'm not sure if I'd like things to change. I really don't mind being on my own. Of course it'd be nice if I could have a regular, comfortable, group of friends to be around with after lessons, but if I don't, it doesn't bother me that much too.
I think I'm slowly becoming a more passive and phlegmatic individual. A classic case of how people change with the circumstances.
Is it a bad thing?
Me aside.
My Neurobiology lecturer has an uncanny resemblance to someone famous. More like notorious. But it's not his appearance. It's his malevolent sadism. Plus the fact that he's from Germany, he really reminds me of Hitler.
He has a major attitude. Other than the fact that he like to mumble alot, he seems to enjoy making us feel uneasy and suppressed.
He torments us with arrow-sharp questions and relishes in the perplexed looks on our faces as we struggle with flipping through his 100-page notes. The more helpless and lost we are, the more his eyes sparkle and the more curved his thin lips become.
During our tutorial today (of which most answers to the questions could not be found in our texts or the notes), he asked if anyone wanted to volunteer to stand at the front of the class so he could ask some questions that are not in the tutorial. As expected, no one was brave enough to stand up to the challenge. We all sat low in our own seats.
Then, instead of saying something encouraging or to prompt some people to volunteer, he actually said, "Who wants to get scolded? No one? Sure?"
He's mad I tell you.
Then he went through the tutorial questions, but no one dared to speak up and share their answers because for every sentence you give, he challenges you with 5: Where did you get that from? Is it a scientific journal? Which journal was it? Who wrote it? When was it published?
Arghhhhhhh....
And since no one could contribute their work and he just continued mumbling comments on his slides, we pretty much didn't get any answers at all.
I suspect he may have had a traumatic childhood. Maybe his dad was in the military and his mum was a science teacher. Together, they drilled science into him as soon as he could start mumbling.
(In German)
'Spell hypothalamus!'
'Mumble mumble mumble...'
'Trace the sympathetic nervous system! Wrong! You idiot!! Do it again and do it RIGHT!!'
'Mumble sob mumble sob....'
Alas, he grew up becoming the man he is now. Mumbling, sadism and all.
[Time of Confession] 1:20 PM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Midnight Monsters
I beg the pardon of my friends who have somewhat sensed or are in anyway affected by my indifference the past 2 days.
My brain is in auto-hibernation mode due to the past nights of restless sleep.
It's exhausting; having vivid dreams EVERY night, and almost throughout the entire night. I fall asleep, I dream. I wake up, I jostle from a dream.
Despite the fact that dreaming is the deepest state of sleep (aka REM or rapid eye movement), I'm not getting my much-needed rest! And I think my sleep cycle is somewhat haywire - I shouldn't be dreaming for the entire sleep cycle.
I'm so tired even though I try to sleep early and get sufficient rest.
Someone please tell Mr. Sandman to stop visiting me for a while can?
[Time of Confession] 8:21 PM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Monday, August 15, 2005
Fatiguee
For the only first time in 3 years of my undergraduate studies, we got out of school!
It's the first time that a lesson was held somewhere other than within the confines of our fully air-conditioned school building. Finally, a breather of fresh air in the middle of the tropical rainforest.
We had a field trip to Bt. Timah Nature Reserve to make observations about plant ecology etc. for our Plant Biology module. The four of us, AA, Grace, Von and myself stuck together (as usual) and started to escalate the very steep trails. Our itinery was simple, this is basically what we did:
1. Look out for interesting/ relevant plants 2. Take pictures of the greenery. 3. Take silly pictures of ourselves. 4. Marvel at the cute little monkeys, squirrels, lizards and snakes. 5. Pant and complain of achy legs. 6. Return to the starting point and look forward to lunch.
So much for an educational trip! (On a more serious note, we did learn a little something lah... got read the informative signs they put up along the way mah...)
Anyway, wrong choice to wear jeans man. I know it's freaking crazy in this hot weather but I really didn't want to be a 10-course lunch for the mosquito family. Plus I have a lecture right after the trip and it's really troublesome to get changed. It's cold in the LT...
I ended up walking a whole 1h 15min (or 3.1km, including steep slopes and steps!) in my fitting jeans (the only pair i have in hall... drats). It was so darn hot it felt like I was doing some slim wrap for my legs. Anyway, I bet my legs are now 2cm slimmer already.
Je suis fatiguee but I still have 2 tutorials to do. And ANTM is on TV... time to multi-task!
[Time of Confession] 10:19 PM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Sunday, August 14, 2005
Nasal J
I've been stuffy nosed, sneezy, raspy-voiced and watery-eyed since last night.
Seems like some kind of allergic response (to hell knows what... i'm also allergic to shark's fin and bird's nest)and it's draining every bit of energy. Doesn't help that my lecturers have decided to dump a whole load of tutorials on us this weekend.
*snort*
My current state is hell on my mood.
It came as quite a bristle this afternoon when I was called 'such a pig' when I could barely crawl out of bed at noon (after managing to get some sleep with the stuffed nose at 3+am).
It was just meant as a joke but that comment, however harmless, rubbed me the wrong way. I'm tired, weak, haven't had a good dreamless sleep all week, slept for 8 hours on a weekend (for God's sake!) and am accused of being piggy.
I'm crabby and surly, hear me growl.
[Time of Confession] 5:29 PM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Weird Dreams and Celebrations
Had a string of weird dreams last night. The exact story is rather hazy after so many hours but I'm still able to recall a good part of it.
Sometimes the lack of romantic excitement in my life is somewhat compensated in lala-land. I've dreamt of courtship, falling in love and romance but most of the time, the other person is some famous celebrity (my wishful thinking spins into a sweet dream!) or some blurry faced guy who seems really familiar when I wake up but I just don't know who it is.
Last night, I dreamt that I got married. And I still remember how the groom looks like!
Unfortunately, it's not someone I know in real life (a subtle hint that I've still yet to meet the man of my dreams haha!). He wasn't the clean-cut handsome kind of person I would expect; he had a bit of the scruffy and edgy appearance, but had a charismatic allure (and he looked alot like Sean Penn.... no idea why! of all the hollywood actors...).
He was someone who loved me alot, someone who was willing to make any kind of sacrifice for me. I seemed to be more moved than in love.
Anyway, it was a quiet ceremony, just the two of us, the minister and my dad. We kept getting interrupted that I recall having to hear the minister repeat her lines like 3 times. Alas, I'm not even sure if we got through the whole thing.
Then I don't remember much until the next part of the dream when a different story plays.
This time, I'm with a friend whom I have very strong feelings for (I think I know who this person is in real life... but we're only acquaintances), but nothing happens between us and I have no idea why. The dream felt so real, the suppressed emotions was choking.
I wonder if these dreams symbolize anything.
Back to reality, it's Bernice's 21st birthday celebration today!
The Birthday Pixie and Me, with the deco we put up!
Pretty Ladies
It's getting closer to the year-end. I'm still considering whether or not to celebrate my own 21st. Hmm...
[Time of Confession] 2:10 AM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Saturday, August 13, 2005
Challenge
Yesterday was a test of patience.
I was supposed to meet Sheryl and Sue in town to go present hunting for our dear Bernice's 21st birthday present. We'd plan to meet at 5pm but at 4pm, Sue sms-ed me and told me they'll be early and will reach Orchard by 4.45pm. But I was still getting ready.
Rush rush rush.
Then at 4.15pm, as I was still walking to the darn far MRT station, I received another sms. The girls were already at Taka.
Walking faster.
Got to the station but noticed something was wrong. The entrance to the station was completely blocked off. There, on the glass, was pasted this sign:
The train service from Serangoon to Sengkang is down. Please proceed to take a shuttle bus B from across the road to Serangoon MRT station.
WTF??!!!
Thus, I had to backtrack and cross the road to the otherside, only to get on a sardine-packed bus with aunties and uncles yelling for the people at the back to 'moooooovvveeee innnn la!!!'
After a gruelling 15 minutes ride, I finally reached Serangoon. Something was amiss though. I expected the large horde of people to scuttle towards the station, but no. Anyhow, I proceeded to the station and realised that the entire NEL line was not functioning.
!#$%^&*!#$%^!^#$*#*&#%!!!!!
I was stranded at Serangoon with no bus to town. No MRT. Pissed, tired and hungry. I ended up having to take a long bus ride to Toa Payoh before getting on to the train to town. To rub salt in the wound, they had to show Jamie Oliver on TV mobile.
After much 'adventure', I finally got to my destination.
Then we realised that there was a whole list of forbidden stuff we were not supposed to get for Bernice.
No accessories, no bags, no doggy stuff...........
Fret not!
Because it's a good thing that when 3 girls come together with a common mission - shopping, we get things done quickly and efficiently.
After setting sight on something really chic and appropriate (can't say what or it might spoil the surprise), we ran from store to store, outlet to outlet, to get the exact piece we wanted. It was so nice I'd have gotten it for myself if not for the fact that I'm on a budget.
To celebrate our successful quest, we headed to Pepper Lunch for a sumptious and rewarding meal! Oiishi!
But the worst was yet to come.
After bidding our goodbyes, I made my way to Heeren to look for something really important. I lost the little girl on my handphone that my best friend got for me from Japan!!! *wail*
Sorwee Gracey :(
There was only one place that could possible have that accessory so I was hoping I'd be able to find the exact same one, although chances were extremely low, since I got that years ago.
Much to my dismay, they don't have it!!
Boohooohoooo.....
I'm devastated.
[Time of Confession] 11:52 AM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Thursday, August 11, 2005
Hooked
I've got an addiction to kick. No, make that addictionS.
Other than the chocolate craving that has yet to die down (I'm halfway through my chocolate shopping already!!! I feel a scratchy throat coming on...), I'm also breathing magic and spells.
Namely, the Charmed sisters. I'm totally onto the series and CANNOT stop watching it (Alyssa is such a babe and Wyatt is so cutey cute!!).
Honestly, the series has gotten a little corny in the recent seasons (it was much more enthralling and dark when Prue was still alive) but I don't really care.
Gimme the demon-busting, monster-killing, amazinglyprettyevenwhenfighting Charmed sisters and all the guest hotties (like Billy Zane and JULIAN McMAHON) anytime!!!
[Time of Confession] 10:32 PM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Another F word
A Fetish for Wednesdays
I love Wednesdays because...
1. I'm being forced to wake up before 7am to get ready for my 8.30am class. That way, I will sleep early on Tuesday night and I won't waste the morning sleeping away.
2. I end school early (@ 10.30am!!) Whee...
3. After school's the perfect time of the day to swim; there aren't many people at the pool and if I'm quick, I will beat the scorching midday sun.
4. I have plenty of time to relax and catch up on any unfinished work (ideal for preventing the mid-week crisis from setting in)
5. It's only 2 more days to the weekend!
A Fetish for Chocolates
One of the things that have the ability to make me salivate. CHOCOLAT. Usually I'm able to resist pigging out on chocolates - I restrain from eating it too often so it becomes a rare treat for myself whenever I feel like indulging.
However, since I watched 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory' last Friday, the craving has snowballed over the weekend and I finally caved in yesterday when I sank my teeth into the Kinder Bueno that Tresa gave me (thanks gal! it saved me from developing withdrawal symptoms)
MMMmmmmmm.......
The crispy wafer crumbling between my teeth, the sweetness of the chocolate, so soft, so luxurious (even for a $1+ chocolate), the creamy hazelnut filling melting in my mouth...
Heaven.
Weak in the knees after getting high on a chocolate, I knew I had to get more.
After the physically draining swim, my body was calling out for more endorphins. I dropped by the supermart and look what I've gotten for myself:
Oh yeah....
[Time of Confession] 2:19 PM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Plagiarised
Got distracted while doing work. Again.
Copied this from a Friendster bulletin. It's something to think about!
Top reasons why ladies today are still SINGLE
1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.
"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with." --> okay, honestly, I don't think this quote is very fair. but then again, just for the humour. no offence, guys
[Time of Confession] 2:55 PM 2 Wisecracks for Me
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Microwave afternoons
I swear that other than the ultraviolet radiation from the sun, microwaves from some extra-terrestial body are attacking my hostel room this very moment.
It's so freaking stuffy and warm, I feel like I'm being dried out to be made into some salted human for eating pleasure. I've even left my room door wide open in the hope of bringing in some cool wind, putting myself at risk of inviting some very unwelcomed pests.
I'm now isolated in hall and was planning to get some work done, but up till now, all I've done is vacuum the floor, mop the floor, do my laundry and squirm in the heat.
Drats.
Need to focus and DO MY WORK.
[Time of Confession] 1:55 PM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Monday, August 08, 2005
Typically J
A snippet of a conversation with a friend.
Friend: So, how about you? Have you found your prince charming?
J: Nope. Why would I need a prince when I can be queen?
[Time of Confession] 4:47 PM 1 Wisecracks for Me
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Predisposed Distress
It's the eve of a holiday and I'm miles away from home (actually more like kilometres). Not that I miss home terribly (I just got back from the weekend), but the fact that there's probably gonna be no one around does perturb me a little.
And we all know it's now the 7th month of lunar calendar..... *shrudder* (better not let my imagination run wild)
Just had my 2nd Neurobiology lecture and I'm getting a little worried.
I would think this is really quite an interesting subject if not for the sloppy subject coordinator.
It's the first time in 3 years I'm actually occupying the 2nd row seats in the LT because I desperately need to get as close to the lecturer as possible: so I can read his lips. Honestly, if I don't, I won't catch 90% of what he says. And even with the lip-reading (I believe I'm becoming quite the expert, just after 1.5 hours), I get only 30% of what he says.
Plus, the notes are really messy. Slides all over the place (not in order) with mostly only diagrams (which are not from our text but from some other reference that he didn't bother to tell us exactly which one). HOWWWW???
Now I worry for my sanity as the tune of the Oompa Loompas singing the 'Willy Wonka song' keeps ringing in my ears.
Did I mention that I love Johnny Depp? Yup, I do, even with the tacky hair and too-perfect teeth.
[Time of Confession] 4:17 PM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Saturday, August 06, 2005
Mirror Image
Sometimes, it's the little things in life shed light on why we do the things we do.
I feel that we humans simply behave like mirrors. We reflect what we get from the people around us.
What do I mean?
For instance, if someone were to be kind to you, you would naturally want to return a favour. It is unlikely that you would want to cause harm to someone who has been nothing but nice to you. Of course, sometimes you do it unintentionally, but more often than not, you're left with a gnawing sense of guilt thereafter (no?? you heartless thing!!)
Need a clearer example? A and B are friends/ neighbours. A was planning to do her grocery shopping at the supermarket. Before departing, B comes over and says,
"Hey, I'm going to town to develop some photos. Do you need to develop any photos?"
Then A replies, "No thanks! But I'm on my way to the supermarket. You need me to get anything for you?"
Taking a closer look at this scenario, A probably wouldn't have offered to do any shopping for B. Not that she didn't want to; perhaps it just didn't cross her mind to offer help. But when B came over and wanted to help A to develop any photos she might have, A naturally responded by offering to grocery shop for B.
It is probably more evident in the negative case.
The classic model: when you have a inclination to dislike someone because the person doesn't like you. It happens naturally all the time, but if you were to look at it in another way, it really seems quite ridiculous and petty.
"I hate that guy."
"Why?"
"Because he hates me too...."
Another example from my personal experience. I have a friend who takes ages to reply sms-es. Sometimes I get no replies at all. Initially I simply brushed off the incident, giving the friend the benefit of the doubt that she was probably occupied.
But the same thing happened again on several other occasions (and it's not as if we are friends who have not been in contact for a long time. we do see each other occasionally and i would have asked her why she didn't reply my messages but then again, i'm not close to her and don't want to seem probing).
Then one day, she sent me an sms asking me some stuff. I hit on the 'reply' button but a thought came to me. Why should I reply her immediately? (someone please tell me that this reaction is only natural and that i'm not evil! oops...)
Then I remembered what it felt like to have messages 'ignored' and thus replied her the same way I'd do to any other friend of mine. A tinge of bitterness lingered nonetheless.
Why is it that we humans are such petty creatures?
Are we so insecure that we are only able to show graciousness to those who show that to us first? So that we're not 'short-changed'? Why are we so small-hearted and afraid of being taken advantage of?
Maybe it's time to reflect on how we behave and take heed what Jesus said in the Bible:
"But I say to you that listen: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. If anyone strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also; and from anyone who takes away your coat do not withhold even your shirt. Give to everyone who begs from you; and if anyone takes away your goods, do not ask for them again.
Do to others as you would have them do to you.
If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. If you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. If you lend to those from whom you hope to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to receive as much again.
But love your enemies, do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return. Your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High; for he is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked.
Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. Do not judge, and you will not be judged; do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven; give, and it will be given to you."
Luke 6:27-38
[Time of Confession] 7:47 PM 3 Wisecracks for Me
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Friday, August 05, 2005
Questioning Nature
Have you, like me, ever wondered why some species even exist in our world?
The pests like rats, moths and flies?
We all know that every organism has a role to play in the ecosystem, to keep nature in balance, but even these pests?
Even them.
I had a Plant Ecology lecture today and I learnt something new: rats, moths and flies are actually essential in ensuring the propagation of plant life - they help to pollinate certain species of flora. So that's why God made them.
But wait.
What about cockroaches?
The filthy, disgusting, immortal (in our Singaporean context: lao bu si) creature that haunts the living daylights of men and women alike?? The culprit behind many asthmatic cases (betcha didn't know that), tranmission of disease-causing pathogens, and just simply causing panic attacks when they invade our territory, worse when on wings.
I am clueless.
The cockroach is probably the longest surviving organism on our planet with an amazing adaptability that enables it to live through harsh environmental conditions. Even the ones that apparently wiped out the entire dinosaur population.
(Up till now, the only usefulness of the cockcroach I can possibly think of is the actual account of whether dinosaurs really existed; of course which will only be possible the day we invent some ultrasonic device that is able to communicate with these brown things. Crap.)
From the way I see it, we'd better watch these creatures closely because for all we know, they may be the ones to take over and colonise the planet in the decades to come. Some female cockroaches mate once and are pregnant for the rest of their lives. How efficient.
Even the terrorists will have no fight against them. These roaches can withstand up to 20,000 times more radiation than humans can. So using a nuclear bomb would be futile.
If it were up to me, we should all come together and launch a Cockroach Control S.W.A.T team as soon as possible.
[Time of Confession] 2:08 PM 6 Wisecracks for Me
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Thursday, August 04, 2005
Overdose
Have had an overdose of sleep last night. Close to 12 hours (on and off).
I simply couldn't bring myself to get out of bed this morning: it was raining heavily and the weather was so cold! They should pass a law that says that it's illegal to work/school in Singapore if the temperature is below 28 degrees; so we can all stay in, snuggle in bed and catch up on our sleep!!
Anyway, sleeping so much only made me feel more tired. Because sleeping = dreaming = waking up feeling like I was awake all the time.
I've finally found something I can never get enough of.
My sleep. My lala-land. My secret world of the night.
[Time of Confession] 10:31 PM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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F words
No, I'm not referring to the 4-letter swear word.
Yesterday I was talking to a friend of mine and we were discussing about handphones. He commented that guys go for functions more than appeal while most girls don't really care much about what the phone can do. Almost immediately, I replied with a "That's NOT true!", before realising that he said 'most' girls, and not just 'girls' in general.
"You're such a feminist!" he claimed.
J, the FCP Feminist a feminist: one who believes in the social, political, and economic equality of the sexes
I totally agree with my friend's accusation opinion that I can be quite the feminist. In fact I'm pretty proud of it. I always believe that women are no lesser than men as a species. It's true that both sexes have their weakness and strengths in different aspects but I see it as a way God has created us such that when a man and a woman become a couple, the attributes of one party will complement and compensate for the other's flaws.
The way I see it, the reason why most (see, I am not making a sweeping statement) men make generalisations about women being oversensitive, weak, cuckoo about technical stuff etc etc. is because they need to feed their elephant egos and nurse their trembling insecurities.
But of course not all men are like that.
I do see a rising trend of SNAGS around me.
However, it does get a little worrying that these SNAGS can sometimes get too wishy-washy and indecisive. (And then there are people who say that I have lofty expectations.)
J, the freedom seeker
The main reason why I can't see myself committing into any serious relationship. As yet. I shun emotional 'liability' like plaque. Well, almost to that extent.
But to put it in a nice way, I celebrate singlehood. I love being a singleton. I like being self-sufficient (mentioned once too often...) and able to concentrate on what I'm working towards in my life (sadly, is somehow under some doubt. see previous post).
I think I'm in the point in my life where I want to experience things and do the stuff that I may not have the time or opportunities to accomplish when I get older. Things like really stretching myself to the limits: working really hard in school, picking up new languages, nurturing friendships and kinship, doing everything simultaneously, and just being there for the people I care about.
To me, being in a relationship = messy emotions = restrains = stifling suffocation. I admit, I'm afraid to commit.
I know the only constant in life is change, and I think it's not fair to the other person because I know that somehow, as time passes, I'm sure to change; in terms of ideals and maybe even feelings. How then, can I bear to put someone I care about so much for through the hurt of realising that I am no longer the person I was?
I seek solace in my solitude.
[Time of Confession] 12:50 AM 3 Wisecracks for Me
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Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Reality Bites
It was a magical week of blues, soul and funk, but reality hit me hard in the stomach when, after the last Ublues performance on Sunday night, that I had tutorials and a due assignment unprinted, unread and untouched.
My bubble burst and I fell from the heavens where I was watching Trevor and the band crooning right in front of me.
Day-dreaming's over.
I'm back at school 24/5 (minus the weekends) and I am beginning to see my schedule book fill up by the minute.
A TLL (Temasek Life Sciences Lab) open house and block supper tomorrow, squash on Thursday... and a whole week of sports for IBG coming soon (yay! can play softball and hockey!).
Not forgetting a whole bunch of sucky modules and lecturers who are determined to make us suffer with less than helpful notes and no fixed texts.
Cham.
Need to work extra hard this semester... but it's only week 2 and I'm feeling sleep deprived. It's only going to get worse when the lab sessions start next week.
And it really doesn't help when the moral has hit the trough.
A*STAR rejected me for the PGA and it's really demoralising. It's frustrating to find out that no matter how much effort has been put in, I will never be good enough. The future looks bleak. Really, what is my purpose in doing everything I'm doing? Why am I even here on this planet? Mere existence?
Biodiversity.
That's the answer to the question "Why, as a species and as an individual, are you very important for the well-being of human society" (quoted from my Modern Biology III tutorial).
Purpose for being on this earth? To provide some genetic variation in the population that is vital for survival and propagation in the event of a change in environment for natural selection to act upon.
So that's it?
Really, what is the whole point of living if there is no purpose. Worse still, why bother, if you have ideals and hopes that just keep crashing down on you?
[Time of Confession] 12:38 AM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Picture of the YEAR! Perfect - other than the fact that my face looks shiny (it's a bistro and with the weather in Singapore, it's unavoidable!!).
[Time of Confession] 1:14 AM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Monday, August 01, 2005
Grace and I - one last look at my 'before' hair.
[Time of Confession] 2:50 AM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Christian and Grace - lovely couple!
[Time of Confession] 2:49 AM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Advertising for Heineken. Beer-y good.
[Time of Confession] 2:48 AM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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The few of us audiophiles
[Time of Confession] 2:47 AM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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The band - on our first night
[Time of Confession] 2:44 AM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Trevor on his guitar
[Time of Confession] 2:40 AM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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UBLUES with Rai from EIC
[Time of Confession] 2:37 AM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Supper after the good music
[Time of Confession] 2:36 AM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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2nd day : UBLUES with Kelvin Smokey Ng on the harmonica!
[Time of Confession] 2:32 AM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Day 3 of the BLUES
[Time of Confession] 2:31 AM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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UBLUES and the sax
[Time of Confession] 2:29 AM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Grooving - Trevor and his younger cousin.
[Time of Confession] 2:27 AM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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I caught the funny shot of the night when Gary just couldn't stop. Not even with the calling temptation of ice-cold beer.
[Time of Confession] 2:26 AM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Just being one of the guys.
[Time of Confession] 2:25 AM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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What better way to end the evening than to take a pretty group picture with the band? As Trevor puts it, happy snaps.
[Time of Confession] 2:24 AM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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The Birthday Pixie and Me, with the deco we put up!
Pretty Ladies
