[C'EST MOI]
living paradox. individualist with anarchistic tendencies.
eludes eminence but appreciates subtle recognition.
capricious yet dependable. clandestine and unfathomable.
cynical realist who succumbs to the occasional idealism.
[J'AIME]
music. films. feasting & drinking. team sports.
good company; family, friends and those who share similar interests.
I've reached the end of the mid-semester break and it's back to morning lectures, tutorials and neverending lab work again (actually the lab stuff never stopped even during this break so...). This is often an indication of how close the exams are - a warning signal to start bucking up and prepare to become the ultimate nerd sometime soon. Very soon. Because before it sinks it completely to knock me hard in the skull, my blood pressure and blood cortisol levels would have rose dangerously high.
And year after year, it takes its toll on me for that 2 whole months.
This time I'm not going drive the car.
To most people, it probably seems easier to fight like crazy for yourself. You think you're in control. You have it all under your belt. You're the driver, the boss of your life.
I used to think that way too, until I realised that instead of driving the car, I was more like sitting in a canoe with no oars, being swept along in a vast ocean. There's a limit to how much I could control - akin to using my hands to move around in that canoe.
Sometimes you almost kill yourself, striving for what you want, but you end up no where close, and you punch your fists into the air: blaming your luck, blaming fate, blaming the limits of your abilities.
You wonder why life is so unfair.
You lose hope and want to stop trying but you realise that the system of this world doesn't allow you to do that. You struggle to pick yourself up, hiding the pain while deluding yourself that you've dealt with it, yet at short, random moments, something brings up the memory of your failures and disappointments; you feel your heart sink and you begin to ask 'Why?' again.
This was me as much as it is many people out there who think they're in the driver's seat. Little do they realise, their knuckles are already turning white from clenching the wheel too tightly.
There's a simpler way to do this.
I'm letting my Jesus do the driving this time around. It's not going to be easy to let go after holding so tightly for all these years. It'll take a great amount of faith but I know that He has my best interests at heart.
It's such a blessing to know that I'm cared for and loved no matter what; even during the years I turned my back and was oblivious, He has been always been there for me.
22Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. 23Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. 24Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! 25Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? 26Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?
27"Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 28If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! 29And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. 30For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. 31But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.
Luke 12:22-31
[Time of Confession] 3:16 PM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Saturday, February 25, 2006
Wacky Wala
It's been ages since I last visited Wala with the squashies... we've been there twice in the past year, and both times were good.
Somehow it feels a little different this year. Other than the fact we're missing good ol' Jack around (no pun intended!), it just feels like we haven't been through as much hell to fight hard enough as a team.
Much as we enjoy being around each other, there's an undeniable fact that things have changed. We're feeling less of the sense of belonging to hall. RC asked if there are 3 things that could keep us around and we all took pretty long just to complete that list.
'If you have to take so long to think, there's probably not much holding you back right?'
Then Fi said, 'There's only one thing I need. One thing enough to keep me there. The company. The friends.'
I agree. And it occurred to me, this IS my group of friends. These are the people that are probably influential enough to keep me hanging around hall.
I really miss having Joanne around a whole lot. I hope in the next acad year to come, the lot of us will stick around and share some good experiences and have a whack of a great time together. Hall life is not supposed to be this dull. It's just not.
Guys, Timbre the next time k? ;)
more of the photos @ multiply
[Time of Confession] 11:05 AM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Monday, February 20, 2006
Question
Question: Are all guys slobs?
I think I know the answer, even though it still makes me snigger in disbelief.
Yeah yeah. There will be the indignant men out there who argue that they do flush the toilet after use blah blah blah.... but seriously.
Seriously.
If not all guys are slobs, how come I'm so unlucky to be living with 2, out of the 3 men at home?
It's not fair that the women in my family (with my little sister included) are picking up after Mr. Pigs while they get to sit back, prop their stinky feet on the coffee table and indulge in an anime series or an Xbox gaming session.
Can't they see that my mum is already working her ass off with her business - the long hours from day till midnight, yet she uses every last bit of energy trying to make the house like a home: preparing meals, doing the laundry, cleaning the place and washing the damn dishes the boys can't even lift a finger to do themselves.
And he expects lunch to be served.
Hello!!
Boys.
If only they could be a little more considerate. Really, I think my mum would be less worked out and have that rest she deserves.
Seriously.
[Time of Confession] 11:37 PM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Saturday, February 18, 2006
Pictorial Updates!
It's been a while since I last unloaded the pictures from my camera... so here they are, all in one go (not that many to boast of though);
That's all folks!
[Time of Confession] 12:17 AM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Friday, February 17, 2006
Everything to me - Liz Phair
I bet it makes you laugh Watching me work so hard to reach you You never gave a damn About all of those things I did to please you
All that you wanted, you found somewhere else And nothing could drag you away from yourself
Do you really know me at all? Would you take the time to catch me if I fall? Are you ever gonna be that real to me? Everything to me
Lucky I've been through hell Backroads and shortcuts I know them well Baby just stick with me We'll make it together, just wait and see
Do you really know me at all? Would you take the time to catch me if I fall? Are you ever gonna be that real to me? Everything to me
The walls they close in The air it goes out We're left with nothing but a shadow of doubt Nobody talks, no one is here It's just you and me
Do you really know me at all? Would you take the time to catch me if I fall? Are you ever gonna be that real to me? Everything to me
Do you really know me at all? Would you take the time to catch me if I fall? Are you ever gonna be that real to me? Everything to me
I bet it makes you laugh Watching me work so hard to reach you
- just thought this song is pretty relatable; not that I'm reaching out to someone now, but it just feels like something I've been through before. With the same bitter aftertaste.
[Time of Confession] 11:13 PM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Thursday, February 16, 2006
Incoherently
Mad rush today.
One of the worst days ever.
Talk about being frantic.
I am not stressed I am not stressed I am not stressed.
Do people actually realise it when they're being selfish and unhelpful?
Just wondering.
Blah blah blah blah blah.
I'm not supposed to feel this way.
I'm Joy.
Maybe it's time.
Something seems to be lacking.
My perspective has changed. Might be?
Don't know, don't know what to do.
Sitting around makes me weak.
Eating me up inside.
Need something... could it be?
Maybe I'm just acting cuckoo.
Raise the white flag.
[Time of Confession] 8:25 PM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Monday, February 13, 2006
Refuge
As sure as the sun rises at dawn, So is Your love for me. Even as I walk in darkness, Your faithfulness never forsakes me.
People may leave and turn theirs backs, Still, You remind me of Your promise Your presence will never depart from me You will always be with me.
I put my trust and hope in you, Lord, For you are my shepherd, my Daddy, my best friend. In You I have everything, Never will I lack anything.
Dear Lord, hear my prayer And give me great faith, Let me lean on You for wisdom And walk alongside with You.
For I know You are the only one who can fill this emptiness inside In You I find joy, peace, abundant life That will never fade nor be taken away.
Give me a heart of thanksgiving, dear Jesus That I may see the wonderful things You have done for me. To count my blessings and focus on Your goodness Thank you, Lord, for being the greatest love story of my life.
[Time of Confession] 9:38 AM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Saturday, February 11, 2006
Untitled
On an emotional rollercoaster with fleeting thoughts; I have no apparent destination, I'm turning and turning, Heading wherever it leads to.
I'm move so fast, everything ends up in a blur. I reach out my hand to feel what was once warm and familiar, but it slips right through my fingers. My heart sinks for a moment.
The consciousness of being is faint and muted, But yet I yearn a sense of belonging. Where will the road take me, where will the river run? Will I journey in solitude? Can I face the emptiness?
The stillness stirs a quiescent dread, I turn only to see the backs of those who have left. I don't need to be surrounded by fair-weather friends, Just someone to stay around and listen to my heart.
[Time of Confession] 10:15 PM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Thursday, February 09, 2006
Why I don't advocate V***nt*ne's Day (snippets of an online conversation)
(midway of the conversation with a close friend)
J: i wish you were here too...it gets pretty dull Friend: v-day is a big thing here and i dun have a date
J: oh yuk. vday. Friend: yeah. sucks.
J: you should protest against it. join ME! in boycotting the lame day Friend: haha, it's lame alrite
J: yahhhh. i tink it's really stupid and pointless Friend: all my galfriends have dates except me
J: and ppl who follow it blindly are well...blind Friend: haha
J: i think it's quite sad... that ppl have to have a DAY to get them to get off their butts and have the courage to ask someone they fancy out. it's pathetic Friend: haha yeah i agree with u! frankly speaking, i have nvr celebrated with ***** (<-- her bf) before! ever since we got together. too busy. so we didn't go out. in fact, i haven't celebrated it with a boy friend before!!!!!
J: haha good for you! you go girl! we are smart ppl who don't conform to silly ideas tt tv and movies try to pollute us with Friend: hahaha but this is AMERICA! everyone gets a date...
J:oh right. US. the very heart of the pollution...
[Time of Confession] 12:27 PM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Wednesday, February 08, 2006
backwards
I've run out of ideas with what to do with my hair.
It's at its longest in 2 years and with the natural curls, it's all over the place. Literally. I have no choice but to put my hair up in a ponytail because I'm just too lazy to wash and blow dry every morning.
I was planning to snip it all off again and sport the short spunky do again but then that's all I've been doing the past 2 years:
It's time for something else since I don't want no more clay in my hair. I decided to try something I have not done in 5 years
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
I got my hair straightened!
Now I look like I'm 16; and it isn't helping that my hair is soooo flat (even though I opted for soft straightening instead of rebonding), it's like my hair is stuck on my scalp. Yuk. I mean, it's not like I have a pretty head shape (if I did I would have tried out a short crop)... honestly, I don't really see the difference between soft straightening and rebonding. It still looks unnaturally straight to me.
Oh well, guess I'll have to bear with the limp hair for one week before I can put in up in a ponytail again...
[Time of Confession] 8:47 PM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Monday, February 06, 2006
Childhood memories
If you're familiar with the points in this list, we're of the same generation! I reckon that we fit in neither the GenX nor GenY demographic group... just somewhere in between, in the transition stage.
50 memories for Singaporean (Pre/ Young) Adults
1. You grew up watching He-man, Transformers, Silver hawk and Mickey Mouse. Not to forget, Ninja Turtles and Smurfs too. (Hey what about Captain Planet and X-men?)
2. You used to brush your teeth with water and no toothpaste in primary school during recess time; squatting by some drain in line with your classmates, with a cute coloured mug in your hands.
3. You know what's Bin(1) Fen(1) Ba (1) San(1) is all about. (WTH?)
4. You know what SBC stands for. (There were multiple versions for this though... hehe)
5. You were there when the first chinese serial, the Awakening was shown on TV. (And the SONG...)
6. There was no such thing as the Internet and computers started up on DOS. Large floppy disks was the only software storage available.
7. Secondary school friends with pagers were darn cool.
8. SBS buses used to be non-airconditioned with wooden seat frames and red cushions. You used to collect the bus tickets and the TIBS ones were way cooler because of their colour.
9. Your favourite actor and actress is Huang Wenyong and Xiangyun. Followed by Lee Nanxing , Zoe Tay and the Aiyoyo woman.
10. You've probably read the Young Generation magazine. You know who's Vinny the little vampire and Acai the constable.
11. You were there when they first introduced MRT here. You went for the first ride with your parents and you would kneel on the seat to see the scenery. (Hmm... really?)
12. Movie tickets used to cost only $3.50. (Hoho... I never went to the movies till I was much older... by then the cost was way more than this)
13. Girls are fascinated by Strawberry Short Cake and Barbie Dolls (errr not all girls).
14. You learn to laugh like The Count in Sesame Street. (Oh yes... I even choked on a sweet once doing this)
15. You would to buy tibits called Kaka and Ding Dang, the one with a toy in the box. The fancy lollipops then were Push-pop and ring pop. (My favourite snack was the long icy 10 cents popsicle, Sng Bao, that I used to share with my brother after his soccer games)
16. You watched TV2(also known as Channel 10) cartoons because Channel 5 never had enough cartoons for you.
17. All that you know about Cantonese is from the Hong Kong serials you watched on TV2.
18.Hardy Boys, Nancy Drew, The Three Investigators, Famous Five and Secret Seven are probably the thickest storybooks you ever thought you have read.
19.Civics and Moral Education was "Hao3 Gong1 Min2".
20. KFC used to be a high class restaurant that served food in plates with metal forks and knives.
21. Stupid, idiot and shit were very vulgar words.
22. Catching was the IN thing and twist the magic word.
23. Your English workbooks was made of some damn poor quality paper that was smooth and yellow.
24. CDIS was your best friend.
25. The only computer lessons in school involved funny pixeled characters in 16 colours walking about trying to teach you maths.
26. Waterbottles were slinged around your neck and had your name and class on it.
27. Boys loved to play soccer with small tennis balls in the basketball court or play something that uses tennis ball to hit other players known as "HUM TAM BOLA" during recess /after school
28. Hopskotch, five stones, chateh and zero point were common past times.
29. Science was fun with the balsam and the angsana being the most important plants of our lives.
30. Who can forget Ahmad, Bala, Sumei and John, eternalized in our minds from the textbooks. Even Mr Wally.
31. You did stupid exercises like seal crawl and frog jumps.
32. You get crappy gifts from the school every Children's day and National day.
33. In Primary six you had to play buddy for the younger kids.
34. Chinese teachers were old, boring and constantly in a foul mood.
35. Your form teacher taught you maths, science and english.
36. The worksheets were brown and rough and you could easily create a hole in it when erasing mistakes.
37. You went to school in slippers and a raincoat when it rained.
38. You are familiar with the 4 heavenly kings - the only famous chinese pop singers: Jacky Cheung, Andy Lau, Aaron Kwok and Leon Lai. You favourite female singer is Vivian Chow.
39. School dismissal time was normally around 1pm.
40. There was spelling and mental sums almost everyday.
41. $2 for pocket money was considered alot.
42. You've been to the zoo countless times for school excursions.
43. You had to line up according to height.
44. You always carried a handkerchief in your pocket.
45. Collecting notebooks and all kinds of stationery was a popular thing.
46. Autograph books were decorated with colourful words like "Best Wishes", "Forget Me Not", and short poems like "Bird fly high, hard to catch. Friend like you, hard to forget".
47. Class monitors and prefects loved to say "You talk somemore, I write your name ah!"
48. There were at least 40 people in one class.
49. Large, colourful schoolbags were carried.
50. You brought every single book to school, even though there's a thing called the timetable.
[Time of Confession] 4:38 PM 1 Wisecracks for Me
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Saturday, February 04, 2006
fatigue
I've been up and about since 5.30am.
It's 11.15pm and I finally have the luxury to sit in my chair and rest my aching arms and calves. I look at my sore hands and I can't help but cringe.
These were my self-manicured nails and well-moisturised hands just 2 months ago.
Look at what's become of them: Splitting, peeling, dry and rough. I have an old woman's hands.
Not that I'm being bimbotic about doing chores - it's something I do everyday when I'm in hall; but try 6 times the amount of work in the same time period. It's exhausting, I tell you. Whoever said the more the merrier; the more people, the more help? Total crap.
My mum and I did so much clearing and cleaning; cooking and washing, I have a feeling we're going to suffer from a very bad backache when we wake up tomorrow morning.
Of it all, I hate doing the dishes the most. The sink is so freaking tiny for the crockery and utensils for 6 people. And when you think you're finally done with the washing, the dirty cups and plates just keep coming in because there's always someone who's thirsty or hungry at some point in time. So you're left standing at the sink with hands buried in harsh bubbles, moving in a constant scrubbing motion, and you can only shift your weight from foot to foot to alleviate the pain in your back.
Did I mention that I still have 3 untouched reports?
I'm so tired.
My maid went back to Philippines this morning, leaving us in a bustle - having to adapt to not having domestic help anymore. It's easy to accuse us of being pampered kids with a maid to clean up after us, but when you have 2 working parents who are hardly ever at home and young siblings to watch over, it's not that much of a luxury having a maid at home.
She's been with us since I was two - that makes it almost 20 years of taking care of us and watching us grow up healthily. She's like my surrogate mother, the only person I can whine to when I'm sick and know for sure that I'll be taken care of.
There is this unspoken sense of loss. A certain void that I'm not sure will ever be filled.
For 20 years, she's been there for us without fail. And now, she's not here anymore. It feels all too sudden for the sorrow to sink in... it just makes me wonder, if we've taken her, and what she's done all these years, for granted.
Holding back the emotions, all I'm left with are the memories of the happier times.
[Time of Confession] 11:43 PM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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Thursday, February 02, 2006
Medical Lingo
As someone who has watched over 15 episodes of medical dramedy over the CNY break, I would like to say that I'm an expert at doctor's talk. The abbreviations. The jargons. The lingo.
But I am so clueless.
To help myself out for the remaining episodes, I decided to find out what those words that were thrown about in the OR (ok this i know... operating room!) actually mean:
scrub 1. a beginning doctor at a hospital. 2. the uniform, usually blue or blue-green, that doctors wear (Addison Shepherd has a salmon pink one though) 3. to scrub in: to wash the hands and forearms very thoroughly, as for surgery.
resident a physician who has finished medical school and internship and is now receiving training in a specialized area as, for example, surgery, internal medicine, pathology or radiology.
attending A more senior, supervising physician whose responsibilities include the care of a particular patient or special group of patients. Within teaching hospitals, the "attending" is typically a faculty member with teaching responsibilities.
whipple (aka the whipple procedure) Also called a pancreaticoduodenectomy, which is generally the removal of the gall bladder, common bile duct, part of the duodenum, and the head of the pancreas. This operation was first described by Dr. Alan O. Whipple of New York Memorial Hospital.
Code Blue a technical, jargon term for medical emergencies.
DNR do not resuscitate
CT scan computerized tomography scan. Pictures of structures within the body created by a computer that takes the data from multiple X-ray images and turns them into pictures on a screen.
MRI magnetic resonance imaging. A radiology technique that uses magnetism, radio waves, and a computer to produce images of body structures. (I knew this one!)
CBC complete blood count
ABG arterial blood gas. the sampling of the blood levels of oxygen and carbon dioxide within the arteries, as opposed to the levels of oxygen and carbon dioxide in venous blood.
VQ scan ventilation-perfusion scan. a nuclear scan that studies both airflow (ventilation) and blood flow (perfusion) in the lungs. The initials V-Q are used in mathematical equations that calculate airflow and blood flow. The purpose of this test is to look for evidence of a blood clot in the lungs, called a pulmonary embolus, that lowers oxygen levels, causes shortness of breath, and sometimes is fatal.
PE pulmonary embolism
aneurysm an abnormal blood-filled dilatation of a blood vessel and especially an artery resulting from disease of the vessel wall.
That will be all for today. *phew*
[Time of Confession] 10:47 PM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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