Confessions of an Undisguised Drama Queen

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Dr. Jekyll, Ms Hyde

It's a lovely weather today. No glaring sunshine, no heavy downpour, just a nice sky with enough clouds and a cool temperature. I've spent a whole afternoon with me, myself and I - reading most of the time and resting my sore shoulders from yesterday's morning swim all of the time.

I like being able to have some time alone... to think, to reflect and the one I like best, to daydream. I'd mentioned before in one of my journal entries "The Quest for Perfection", that my list of to-dos just keeps accumulating day after day, hour after hour, and this just pushes me further away from my perfect life. After much thought, I have discovered another thing that is impeding my quest.

My personality.

Most people are either idealistic perfectionists or pragmatic realists or both (but one type is usually more prevalent than the other) . I, on the other hand, seem to be exactly equal of both. I'm an idealistic yet pragmatic perfectionist/realist. You may wonder - so what's the whole big damn deal? What difference does it make.

Alot of difference.

I believe that this is the exact personality trait that is slowing me down or even stopping me from achieving what I want. In the first place, it is questionable if what I want in life can really be achieved or is it just blown-up dreams from my idealistic side. This idealistic side of me is also the reason why I sometimes take up so many responsibilities, want to do a good job in everything I take up and want to be good in everything. Sports. Music. Academic. Aesthetics. Everything. This could be a good thing, yes, I believe that is possible, but sadly, most of the times, I fail to see my limits and I just keep thinking that I can do everything I set out to do as long as I try my best. Is this just a delusion?

On other occasions, Ms Pragmatic sets in and questions my own abilities. When I'm on the route of pursuing something I like and something else comes along (another interest, another responsibilty crying out for my attention), Ms Pragmatic tells me to put whatever I'm doing on hold. Till a later date. Till a time when it's more practical. So I do. I put it on hold. And God knows when I will get back to it.

The merger of this two personality traits have resulted in me making alot of decisions that I've come to regret. Alot of choices in my life, alot of lost opportunities. This internal struggle between what I want and what I should do is why I have not completed my course in classical piano, I only know how to play a few chords on the guitar, I've stopped playing the flute after I graduated from secondary school and hence was no longer in the band... There's a long list of other things I want to but have yet to accomplish. And they just sit there on the list, till the right time comes alot. But will it?

[Time of Confession] 6:00 PM
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