Confessions of an Undisguised Drama Queen

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

A heavy heart

Right now I feel like a bird
Caged without a key
Everyone comes to stare at me
With so much joy and revelry

They don't know how I feel inside
Through my smile I cry
They don't know what they're doin' to me
Keeping me from flyin'

That's why I say that
I know why the caged bird sings
Only joy comes from song
She's so rare and beautiful to others
Why not just set her free

So she can
Fly, fly, fly
Spreadin her wings and her song
Let her
Fly, fly fly
For the whole world to see

She's like a caged bird
Fly, fly
Just let her fly
Just let her fly
Just let her fly
Spread the wings
Spread the beauty

Life's never fair. I should know this better than anyone else. But do I have to accept this hard truth?

People like to act all inspirational and preach to others to dream and to follow their dreams.
But how is all this possible if I'm imprisoned in a fate that is beyond my ability to change?

Some say: there's no such thing as fate. You choose and mould your own future and destiny. It bears some truth, yes, but there are situations that cannot be manipulated. They are the consequences of actions. Actions not accountable by me. So why then, am I made to bear the flak? Oh yes. Because life's unfair.

The stifling constraints are suffocating.

I have managed to put these afflictions aside in order to move on with living. But my father had to bring it up and toss everything inside me off balance again. Why? Why do you have to constantly remind me of this punishment I have to endure and aggravate the already raw emotions within me?

I'm the caged bird. The only thing I can do is to blame someone for my plight.

But who can I blame?

[Time of Confession] 9:08 PM
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Monday, May 30, 2005

The Marketplace

I feel like an exercise bunny.

I've been working out 3 times a week religiously, sometimes more. I think I will lose 2 kg in the next few weeks. NOT.

The only exercise I'm getting nowadays is the 15 min walk to and from the MRT station on Mon, Wed and Fri when I go to school for my French lessons. And of course, the occasional strolls around town when I'm up for another shopping fiesta.

I feel so unfit. From the 3 times a week, 3 hours per session, intensive squash trainings I had months ago, my life now is excessively sedentary. I've been planning to go jogging in the evenings but it's impossible to get out of the house once I get in. And there never seems to be the perfect time to jog. Too hot, too early, too late, too many cars....

Then I considered swimming.

But unlike many lucky dudes and dudettes, I do not live in a condominium which has a swimming pool just downstairs. There's the public pool - a 10 min walk away, but I've shunned them ever since a horrid incident that occurred to my friend when she was swimming at a public pool. Something to do with a hairy, fat, pervert who has problems keeping his trunks on. Eeww...

Then there's the pool at the club, but it's such a hassle to have to travel all the way just for a swim. Besides, I do not drive.

See, it's so incovenient to keep fit. Not my fault.

After another day of french lessons today, (which, as usual, left me spaced out at the end of the day - we were rushing to finish the chapters that are included in Wednesday's test!!) I was off to town to meet up with Theresa for some afternoon shopping.

We were later joined by Tresa for dinner at Marche to celebrate Theresa's VERY GOOD results. Dinner was palatable with all the fresh ingredients used. And I really like the concept of the open market place at Marche - the aroma from the cooking stimulates a hearty appetite!

It's a great enjoyment to be in their company. Other than being really wonderful friends who are fun to talk to and horse around with, their bickering are sometimes pretty entertaining to me too:

but then there are the times when it's not so entertaining anymore when they refuse to talk to each other and I get caught in the middle.

Of course it's never serious.
I would say it's their special way of communicating in their friendship =)

You see, at the end of the day, we're still smiling and good-humoured.

[Time of Confession] 12:22 AM
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Sunday, May 29, 2005

Crying Feet

I was all right for a while
I could smile for a while
But I saw you last night
You held my hand so tight
When you stopped to say hello

You wished me well
You couldn't tell that
I've been crying over you,
Crying over you and you said "so long" left me
Standing all alone, alone
and crying, crying, crying, crying
It's hard to understand

But the touch of your hand can start me crying

I thought that I was over you but it's true, so true
I love you even more than I did before
But darling, what can I do?
For you don't love me
And I'll always be crying over you, crying over you

Yes now you're gone
And from this moment on,
I'll be crying, crying, crying, crying
Yeah, crying, crying over you

This is the song my feet are singing to me now. They're crying out for an OSIM iSqueeze. Never again will I haolian and wear heels when I'm going to do so much walking. Gone are the days when I can prance around in 4 inch heels without wincing in pain.

Another sign that I'm no longer 15.

I went for a haircut yesterday. Actually it's more of a trim but taking off 1 inch is a BIG deal when you have hair that grows sooooo slowly. My hair was getting out of shape and I needed to fix it, fast.

Sadly, the hairstylist had bad news for me when I told her expectantly that I wanted a trim to remedy my hair that was getting flat on the crown and puffed up at the sides, very much like a flattened mushroom. She said there was little she could do because I had to wait for my hair to grow out first (I half doubted her because I don't really trust female hairstylists; but it's just my luck that the Jantzen @ Hougang doesn't have a male hairstylist...).

So after the trim, I had to come up with ways to make the thing on my head look more like hair and less like a mushroom top - I played around with my shelf-full of hair styling products and this is the easiest to replicate: flipped out ends -->

Nicer?

I met up with my cousin, Becca, for some shopping this afternoon and with the sale in town, I just had to get my hands on some good deals. M)phosis' having a huge sale so I went to check it out.

The first thing that came to my mind when I stepped into the boutique was that it's so freaking warm! I think they must have turned down the aircon to save costs (maybe to make up for any losses acquired during this sale). Yikes.

And the Q for the fitting rooms was never-ending. Double yikes. I got so tired of waiting I just grabbed the pieces that I really liked and went by instincts that they would fit fine. And thankfully, they did.

One of the tops I got @ 50% off!

Dinner was a sinful spread at Marina South. It was the regular steamboat buffet but they served LIVE SEAFOOD. Maybe I'm really sua koo but I thought all of such buffets serve FROZEN seafood. It was so icky seeing the live prawns in the container crawling around, I refused to cook them. It's really sadistic to boil/BBQ them alive man...

The poor prawn squirming on the hot plate as it slowly turns pink, then orange. Some prawns actually jumped off the hot plate, giving me a fright. I couldn't bear to do such a cruel thing... so... I left that to my aunt. I only did the peeling and eating. Oops...

more pictures @ fotopic.net
After dinner, Becca and I headed to shoot some pool. And being the amateurs we are, we took damn long to finish just one game. She was itching to bowl but I refused to.

"But why????" she demanded to know.

"Because... I've never bowled before."

"???!!!"

It's true. I have never, in my life, put my fingers into the holes on the bowling ball or worn the slippery bowling shoes and stepped onto the lanes of the bowling alley. I have no idea why, but I just never got to learn how to bowl so.... but I will. Some fine day.

[Time of Confession] 12:04 AM
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Friday, May 27, 2005

Sexy sexy

He walks in, exuding an air of maturity and confidence. The shades shield the people from his electrifying gaze. He picks up the microphone stand and swings it around effortlessly as his long tresses follow in motion. He croons with poignant emotion...

Hey, well I'm the friendly stranger in the black sedan
Oh won't you hop inside my car
I got pictures, got candy, I am a lovable man
I'd like to take you to the nearest star

I'm your vehicle baby
I'll take you anywhere you wanna go
I'm your vehicle woman
By now I'm sure you know
That I love ya (love you)
I need ya (need you)
I want to, got to have you child
Great God in heaven, you know I love you

Well if you want to be a movie star
I got the ticket to Hollywood
Well if you want to stay just like you are
You know I think you really should

I'm your vehicle baby
I'll take you anywhere you wanna go
I'm your vehicle woman
By now I'm sure you know
That I love ya (love you)
I need ya (need you)
I want to, got to have you child
Great God in heaven, you know I love you
Oh you know I do

Well I'm the friendly stranger in the black sedan
Oh won't you hop inside my car
I got pictures, candy, I am a lovable man
I'd like to take you to the nearest star

I'm your vehicle babe
I'll take you anywhere you wanna go
I'm your vehicle woman
By now I'm sure you know
That I love ya (love you)
I need ya (need you)
I want to, I got to have ya
Great God in heaven, you know I love you
And I'm your vehicle babe

You know I love ya (love you)
I need ya (need you)
I want to, got to have you child
Great God in heaven, you know I love you

Then I undoubtedly melt into a mass of liquid.
Think Joy juice.

And if Bo Bice ever looks at me like this, ->

I will definitely sublime into clouds of joy.

Oh I beg your pardon. I was just fantasizing.

I'm still trying to get over last night's tragedy and it's scary; I've only watched Bo perform 3 songs and I'm already so enthralled by him. Can you imagine if I actually followed the entire season of A.I? I'd probably be reduced to nothing but an "I LOVE BO!!" fanatic lunatic.

There have been speculations about Carrie winning by 'underhand' methods; that she got an advantage because of what Simon said during the finals (quote: I think you have done enough to win this competition) but these are the real reasons why more people voted for Carrie:

1. She's prettier than Bo

2. Numerous companies are dying for THE American Idol to endorse their products

- Carrie's got the perfect white teeth (for teeth whitening products),

the shiny curls (for haircare),

the flawless skin (for make-up and skin care)

and the sweet, girl-next-door disposition (for basically ANYTHING);

-but the only thing Bo's got is hair (as in physically marketable lah).

And we must remember that the companies tackling hair-loss problems are probably not as popular in the U.S as they are here. Plus, Gillette probably banned its employees for voting for Bo.

3. The fashionistas are boycotting Bo for his terrible wardrobe. Have you seen some of his outfits? He looked like some ah-cek tycoon who is going to Macau to gamble away at the casinos.

4. The American's don't know how to appreciate talent when they see one. We all know that when Ruben won and Clay didn't.

5. Bo forgot to act sweet and prompt the viewers to vote for him.

Okay, enough of A.I.

Yesterday I met up with Bernice and we headed to town for a denim hunt (for her).

To prepare for the long walkathon ahead, we went to N.Y.D.C for a heavy lunch first:

more pictures @ fotopic.net

I'm not a big fan of the food there (but it's a totally different thing when it comes to their DESSERTS) but for the first time, I tried their Parmesan Mushroom spaghetti and it tasted quite good. I don't usually finish the entire serving because it's too large but I did this time. It's definitely worth a try - but you must remember to bring some breath mints because the garlic breath (from the yummy garlic butter sauce) will haunt you all day long.

Shopping for jeans for Bernice is a very, very demanding task. It's almost impossible to find a pair that is able to fit her nicely because she's soo tiny! We scouted the entire building of Far East Plaza and found none.

In and out of the boutiques, a sense of dread accumulated. Not because of our futile trip, but the distress of being swamped and surrounded by commodities that lack in appeal. I feel old.

After combing the entire building, this is all I got. $5 worth of shopping (which is so unlike me; after 5++ hours of shopping)

To add more variety to my DIY manicures.

And even so, we still haven't managed to find a decent pair of jeans for Bernice. Most people can't find what they need because they can't fit into most jeans (like when I couldn't fit into size 26 of the Levi's square cut jeans! Dammit. Why did they have to make the cutting so darn tiny. My pride is hurt...); but it's the opposite for her - she has difficulty finding clothes because they're always too big for her.

Life's unfair.

[Time of Confession] 7:02 PM
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Thursday, May 26, 2005

No Bo...

There'll be no entry tonight.

I'm taking the night off to wallow in sorrow because my dear Bo Bice didn't win the American Idol.

I need to nurse my broken heart. Boohoohoo...

[Time of Confession] 11:36 PM
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Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Panda Eyes and Half Functioning Brain

I'm beat. Too much French and too much TV.

It's funny how it ALWAYS rains whenever I have french lessons. Like this week, it's been hot and blazing all weekend (I was praying and praying for the rain to fall but none) when I was mostly home and today, when I have to leave the house for school, it rained all morning. Non-stop. Darn weather. Maybe it's like a sign... you know, like French = ominous = threatening = cannot be anything good.

French wasn't fantastic. Well, it's losing it's magic touch on me. It's not so fun anymore. And who do I blame? My teacher. His mood swings are driving me crazy. Cranky guy. Bleagh.

So we had another role play today that was to be prior prepared. Not that I'm bragging, but I think we gave a performance worthy of a Cannes Award. Seriously. There was a long pause after our turn and no one wanted to go next. Okay, I will be shot dead if I say anymore. But hey we WERE good. *shrug*

So it was francais, francais, francais for 4 long, excruciating hours and then home.

Then it was TV all the way. More torture for me.

My sister was watching the ancient series of Triple Nine and I had to patiently wait for it to end before I could pop in my dvd into the player. I have no idea what she likes about that trash of a tv show. My goodness. Their hair, their clothes, everything looks awful. The acting? Far worse.

They should fire the programme director or whoever who's in charge for broadcasting this serial AGAIN. The horrendous mistake committed years back is one time too many. Why do they have to show it again to remind us that Singapore's english programmes are... lousy??

And how come there's no more Gilmore girls? I demand some kind of compensation for the ghastly switch.

I had no idea what I'd gotten myself into when I finally got to use the dvd player and watched the never-ending Aviator. It just went on and on. Till the sun set and it was all dark, I still didn't see the ending anywhere near. If not for the fact that this movie was nominated for numerous awards (and was awarded quite a few as well), I wouldn't have put myself through the pain.

The movie's basically just about this guy who has a crazy obsessive compulsive disorder who thinks everything (except himself) is laden with infectious germs. He also happens to be an aspiring engineer who wants to make the biggest aircraft but takes centuries to achieve it because of his perfectionism. He is also a producer of many 'overexposed' movies and the romancer of the most beautiful women. Talk about being the Jack of all trades.

Of course, I must give a fair opinion. There's Cate Blanchett who made the 10 hours (sure did feel like it) all better. She's one superb performer who gives an excellent protrayal of Katherine Hepburn. And there's also Kate Beckinsale who plays a poorly developed character, but nonetheless stunning and beautiful beyond words.

And then American Idol.

I honestly have not been following this season faithfully. I've only caught the premier auditions and last week's performance. But that was enough to get me begging for more.

Bo and Carrie are amazing! (But Bo's more amazing by 10 Joy points!)

It's a refreshing change from the poppish/ R&B-ish styles we've witnessed season in and out. After Bo's daring a cappella attempt last week, my eyes are on him. Fixated.
Carrie's alright. She's got a strong vocal but a tad too sweet for my liking. And she lacks the explosiveness that Bo possesses.

I hope he wins the competition, with his long hair, facial hair and all. He's MY American Idol!

[Time of Confession] 10:08 PM
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Tuesday, May 24, 2005

A Challenge of Creativity

After slogging it out for 4+ months in school and pining for the holidays, there's finally no more pining. However, days with absolutely nothing to do (meaning: no appointments, no dates, no prior planned activity with a friend) are inevitable (unless, of course, you are working).

As I have repeatedly complained of extreme boredom, I'm quite sure there are people out there who feel the same way. So, instead of mopping around the house the whole day trying find stuff to do or rolling in bed and refusing to get up because there's nothing better to do (which is the case for me... hard to curb with such a comfortable bed), I will attempt to create a little list of things that you can do when you're bored (some activities, however, are more applicable to the feminine sex).

1. Sleep in and dream. Dreaming is good for your brain. Apparently the brain activity of someone sleeping is higher than a person watching TV.
Time taken: 4 hours

2. Make breakfast for yourself and your family (if they're still in bed). There's nothing better than to wake up to a hot, ready-made breakfast. A fancy meal is not necessary - just a well done toast, scrambled eggs and coffee/ tea would do nicely (not easy to screw up ya?).
Time taken: 2 hours (this includes having breakfast and of course, washing up.)

3. Read the newspapers from cover to cover, every single nitty gritty detail. Even the classifieds (so you know what jobs are in demand and what jobs are not. it's important knowledge!).
Time taken: 1 hour

4. Clear out and organize your wardrobe. Colour code or arrange according to brand, it's your call. Throw out those items you haven't worn more than a year and put them up for sale on ebay or yahoo auctions to make some money (this will pass even more time because you'll have to take pictures of the clothing and upload them online).
Time taken: 3 hours

5. Take out your shoes and treat them to some thorough cleaning! Well-cared shoes will last you longer and give you your money's worth (especially the leather ones: give them a good conditioning)
Time taken: 1.5 hours

6. Pamper yourself and give yourself a top-to-toe beauty treatment. Do a hair mask, facial scrub then mask, full body exfoliation and moisturise, moisturise, moisturise; then a mani-pedi.

Like my DIY manicure?
Time taken: Whoa hoo 3.5 hours!

7. Lazy to hit the gym? Take a walk around your neighbourhood - as far as your legs can take you. It's quality time alone, you get to know your heartland better (you may discover a convenience/video/hardware/any useful store just round the corner that you never knew existed) and it's good exercise.
Time taken: 1 hour.

8. Go to the video store and borrow a foreign movie you've never planned to watch.
Time taken: (for the borrowing and the watching) 2.5 hours.

9. Flip through your old autograph books from primary school and secondary school and write letters to best friends/ buddies/ penpals you've lost touch with over the years. What's more heartwarming then finding lost friendships?
Time taken: 3 hours

10. Watch and re-watch FRIENDS with a large bowl of popcorn and laugh yourself silly.
Time taken: Depends on how many seasons you watch; but you'd probably stop after 8 hours because of an aching tummy after all the laughing and popcorn.

Total time spent: 29.5 hours! Voila, you have stuff to do for more than a day!

[Time of Confession] 11:01 PM
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Monday, May 23, 2005

Point Blank

I'm still bored.

Not that I have nothing to do, but more like I don't feel like doing anything.

I've spent the whole day watching the latest episodes of Desperate Housewives (the plot is enthralling! and i love the klutziness of Teri Hatcher aka Susan; she's hilarious)

and I've been sleeping. Alot. I was away all afternoon in Lala-land.

I had this dream that I'd just gotten a bike license and was riding this sports bike around town. But it was so heavy I had alot of trouble trying to maneuver it around bends and turns. It was really scary trying to ride the bike with the heavy traffic of cars zooming past me.

Then I got to Holland V but Wala was empty already. I looked at my watch and it was already 1.30am (anyone wanna buy 4D? Can try 0130... remember to share your prize money with me if you win!). But there was still a large crowd of people outside Wala, drinking and hanging out. Then I saw a bunch of NTU acquaintances but I didn't go over to say hi.

Instead, I quickly walked over to where my bike was and bumped into my best friend's sister. She seemed to be waiting for a cab so smart-alec me told her that my bike was just nearby and asked her if she wanted a lift - even though I already had trouble just riding MYSELF. So anyway, she thought about it for a while and decided, what the hell, she'd take the ride.

Gosh, it's 10 times more difficult to ride with a pillion. The bike felt so darn heavy and no matter how hard I tried to step on the accelerator (or whatever you call it for a motorbike), I couldn't increase my speed. I bet I was going at 20km/h on the expressway. Anyway, I felt damn paiseh that I even offered a lift in the first place... and I don't know what happened after that but we probably resorted to taking public transport because the next thing I remember, I'm on a bus.

So I'm now on a bus on my way back to hall but it was after a tuition session (???) . I'm carrying a whole bunch of stuff and there are no seats, so I'm standing with all my bags. I feel like I'm being scrutinized - people seem to keep staring. I thought it was because I looked like a fool carrying so many things but then this girl beckoned me over and told me that (warning: this part's a bit gross) I had stained my skirt. WT??!!! Now I'm an even BIGGER fool! Dammit.... I tried to hide my rear by holding some bags behind me but I could still feel people's stares on me.

Total embarassment.

Which is probably why I don't remember much of what happened after that, but I do remember that it turned out that it was a LIGHT PINK stain on my skirt due to the colouring of a red piece of clothing that had run while in the wash. False alarm.

Okay. So let me try to decipher what this dream means. (I've learnt from my 'Creativity and Arts as a Therapy' class that dreams are an important part of our unconscious and unknown personality that reveals alot about what we think and feel, but do not know of in the conscious state of mind)

Using the Dream Dictionary:

1.Vehicle
If you dream you are riding in a vehicle and someone else is driving you will soon take a business trip at your bosses convenience, but if you are riding in a vehicle where you or a member of your family are driving, then your trip will be for pleasure or personal business.
Do I hear the word 'exchange' or 'UK'???

2. Moving
With moving, we have another obstacle dream, in as much as, if the move goes smoothly and is completed in normal time then you will overcome your barriers and sail through to what you desire. If the dream of moving involves a lot of difficulty, or is not completed, then you must forego changes in your environment and plan on staying in the same career for a while.
I must not change jobs. What job?

3. Groups
If the group is orderly and good-naturedly discussing their business, whatever it may be, then you will see some good luck heading your way in the marital department. If the group is a group of children, then you will be blessed with many children and much love. If the group is ugly and arguing then expect misfortune to befall you. Good luck in the MARITAL department? Wah. A bit too fast ya. Wait, I need to find my true love first!

4. Night
To dream of night shows that you will encounter obstacles in reaching your goals or some serious setbacks. This kind of prognostication must be tempered by all the aspects in the dream and other things used to offset the adverse effects such as: Clear and bright moonlight, stars and celestial bodies seen clearly, and , of course, the dreamers feelings. I'll have problems going overseas? Oh no...

5. Bus
Being in a bus accident shows the dreamer will have a period of frustration due to financial embarrassment. To wait for a bus in you dream shows you will have a temporary set back in attaining your hearts desire, but, if you are riding on a bus, you will soon win through to capture your love. So I'll find my true love after all!

6. Unfortunate (I couldn't find "embarrassment")
To dream that you are unfortunate could be a reverse dream which signifies a reversal of certain aspects of your life that will bode good for you in the future. If you should dream that another is unfortunate you will hear of a friends failure.
Seems like I will get my happy ending. Pheww....

Now, using Dream moods:

1. Motorcycle
To see or ride a motorcycle in your dream, symbolizes your desire for freedom and need for adventure. You may be trying to escape from some situation or some other responsibility in your waking life. A motorcycle is also symbolic of raw sexuality.
This is so true! Noticed how I complained I was bored??

2. Slow Motion
To dream that you are moving in slow motion, signifies that you are presently going through a hard time and experiencing great stress in your waking life.
Stress? What stress??

3. Night
To have a dream that takes place at night, represents some major setbacks and obstacles in achieving your goals. There are some issues in your life that you are facing that are not too clear. You should put the issues aside so you can clear your head before coming back to it.
Oh no. Obstacles again. I hope it's not pertaining to my exchange application...

4. Acquaintance
To see an acquaintance in your dream, signifies positive affairs in business and harmony in your home life. It also foretells that you will see or hear from them shortly after this dream.
I have no idea what this means in my context but what the hell, it's something good. Yay!

5. Groups
To see a group in your dream, refers to the merging of various aspects of your character and personality.
Err.... again, what does this mean??

6. Bus
To dream that you are riding a bus, implies that you are going along with the crowd. You are lacking originality and are taking no control over where your life is taking.
At the moment, I'd have to admit that this is right. I am just bumming my days away. But it's the holidays what... got discount right?

7.Embarrassment
To dream that you are embarrassed, signifies hidden weaknesses, fears and lack of self-confidence. This dream also suggests of insecurities about your sexuality.
Hidden weaknesses and fears? Of course have lah. I'm only human what... but to be told exactly what they are would be interesting...

8. Stain
To see a stain in your dream, indicates a superficial and reversible mistake in your life. Consider and analyze the substance and color of the stain and the location of the stain itself.
I've made many mistakes. Again, I'm only human!

9. Pink
Pink represents love, joy, sweetness, happiness, affection, kindness. Being in love or healing through love is also implied with this color.
So does this mean that the mistake I made will bring me love, joy, sweetness and happiness?? Wah, what kind of mistake is that? I should commit it more!

2 different analyses, 2 complete different meanings. So how?
For all I know I'm probably doing it the wrong way. Oh well... dream analysis is not quite my cup of tea. I'd just stick to dreaming and leave it as that. After all, it does offer some kind of entertainment sometimes, when Michael Vartan or Kimura Takuya drops by my Lala-Land...

[Time of Confession] 9:09 PM
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Sunday, May 22, 2005

Comic Relief

You know I'm bored when I start doing lame things like these.....
PS: No animals were harmed in the making of this cartoon.

[Time of Confession] 11:17 PM
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Saturday, May 21, 2005

An accolade

This blog entry is specially for the people around me who have made a difference in my life in the past 4 months or so. It's been a trying one third of a year when stress levels are an all-time high and these people have stood by me and been a great source of strength and encouragement to me. Any goodness in my life now can be attributed to their loyal friendship and sincere concern; which means the world to me.

Yvonne: For being a very patient friend, a confidante and a buddy who's there to encourage me and assure me that I can do it. And for your numerous car rides. Thank you.

Theresa: For being my study buddy. The morning calls, the booking of good seats for me, the company for jogging during late nights. For putting up with my crankiness and whines when the pressure got to me, for being there when I needed someone to talk to, for telling me that you believed I could do it, thank you.

Tresa: For being so kind to offer to buy anything I needed. Even when I whined that I needed a whiteboard, you actually carried the enormously heavy one all the way back for me so I could revise better. It really helped me alot. Thank you.

Grace: For being my study buddy too (more like memorizing kaki), for being so nice and encouraging. Having someone to study and memorize the truckload of information with me is really something that spurred me on. Thank you.

Grace (my bestest friend!): For your encouraging SMS-es and phone calls even though you're miles away. You don't know this, but everytime I hear from you, it just makes my day! Thank you for remembering me in my difficult times!

Joanne: Who's always dropping me encouraging notes even though you're just next door. For being a wonderful and caring neighbour; and for being a great squash buddy too, during the competition season. I'm always in a better mood when you're back from home. Thank you for being such delightful company.

Ian: Very simply, for believing in me.

My Dearest Mum, Dad and sis: For being so accomodating and for treating me like a princess whenever I'm back for the weekends. For nagging at me (yes, even my little sister nags at me) because I know you only do that because you love me.

For everyone else who has sent me little notes of encouragement and good luck (like Soon Kok; was so surprised and touched that you actually remembered my exam date), thank you all for your well-wishes and for remembering me. Because of you all, I know I'm not alone.

[Time of Confession] 9:43 PM
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Friday, May 20, 2005

Serendipity

Or maybe not. But it sure feels like it was all a fortunate accident.

The day didn't start out very well. From the second I got up, I could sense a dreariness in my stomach. It was to be a long day. I was going to have a French test and my results are out today. It didn't help that I hadn't completed my revision because I'm really at the point of wearing down.

Not that I'm complaining. I do have a fetish for being occupied and overworked sometimes. Because I believe that you reap what you sow - the greater the effort, the sweeter the fruits of labour and the more valuable the satisfaction.

The morning french lesson was less than enjoyable. I think it's all getting onto us.

The students' attention is increasingly flagging; and Monsieur Nicolas seems to be progressively cantankerous and impatient. I see it as a vicious cycle - they say that people's attitude towards you is actually a reflection of your outlook to them; so basically we are all just shooting negative vibes to each other across the classroom, killing the hell out of any goodness around.

So you can just picture a very sullen teacher whose mind seems to be away at Timbuktu while the rest of us are half-heartedly listening to him and doodling away on our texts. Put simply, it's not a pretty sight for any classroom situation.

Then it was lunch break and I was prepared to live in denial (I refused to check my results because I didn't want my 'test mood' to be disrupted in anyway) but Evon told me that she had just checked hers via SMS (high tech sia!) and that immediately gave me the jitters. 1001 What ifs just couldn't stop bugging me but I had to concentrate on the important thing first - my test.

I'm really fortunate that I have Evon as a studying companion for French. It makes it all more fun and endearing. I remember the days when I was alone in my Japanese class and I was the one who always sat right in front. (I was this super-eager-to-learn student) It was as if the lessons were just between me and my sensei. I did learnt alot then, but it wasn't half as fun as it is now.

Okay back to the story. So we had our french test, and for the VERY FIRST TIME, we had listening. Which is bonkers if you ask me. We NEVER got to practise any of the what, 10 listening exercises in the workbook? Why? Because 60% of the time wasted was when our teacher got TOO carried away with his preaching. The other 40%? His being late.

Thus, for our very virgin french listening exercise, it was to be in a test. Bugger. Which is damn sucky lah. I have no idea why the french must speak so darn fast. At least try to slow down a bit mah, you're doing a tape for beginners in french for goodness sakes. Not an instructional tape for a rapper wannabe.

So we had that sucky listening and the other not-so-sucky questions and then the test was over.
But the torture wasn't to be over just yet. We had to wait for him to mark it ON THE SPOT and then return it back to us to show us our marks. Drats. The anticipation, the nerve-wrecking suspense, the buzzing butterflies.

There were only 5 of us left in the room, still waiting and waiting.

Then I heard a loud chuckle.

Monsieur Nicolas was laughing at one script and I was hoping it wasn't mine - that I didn't make some really idiotic mistake in the test. But he called out "JOY." It's my test paper after all.

"Wah!" he exclaimed with a distinct flavour of sarcasm.

"Wah? Is it a good 'wah' or a bad 'wah'?" I asked. I was actually quite annoyed with his teasing.

"Someone got 19/20 ah! Not bad ah..." he said.

That was the pleasant surprise No. 1.

For those who were wondering what the joke was about (why he was laughing at my script), I had merely directly translated BLUES, as in the genre of music, into french 'BLEUS'. He said that BLUES is an english word and is retained in the the french language. Not funny what. Why he laugh until like that. Hey, at least I know how to translate BLUE ok.

So the first burden was lifted.

Then I got home and went to my room, contemplating if I should check my results right away. I didn't.

Instead, I plonked myself in front of the TV and enjoyed the award-winning performance of Maggie Cheung in Clean while munching on chips. I'd better enjoy the good luck while it lasts.

It is a quietly moving film, not the kind that makes you want to bawl because it's so touching, but instead, it touches you in such a subtle way, it's like going through a change inside you subconsciously. The message was simple yet unyielding. I thought it was splendid.

After my little self-indulgence, it was time to face up to reality and check my results. I was also banking on the fatigue that I had accumulated - so if I were to receive a blow, I wouldn't feel it that badly.

So I logged into my student account and let's just say that the 2nd burden is lifted.

[Time of Confession] 8:03 PM
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Wednesday, May 18, 2005

French and Sexism

One of the turmoils in learning french is definitely the need to memorize the gender of every possible object. Anything definitive or abstract is either masculine or feminine, or so the french say. And it makes it even more complicated because there is no fixed way of knowing whether something is masculine or feminine. It has to be learnt by heart.

So in the course of my learning journey in French, there have been a few nouns that cannot convince me more, that the French are probably a lot of MCPs. Here's why:

The radio and television are feminine. "They make noise all the time."
The bank is feminine. "They take all your money."
The flower is feminine. "Beauty is ephemeral."
Insurance is feminine. "The kiasu worrywarts."
Questions are feminine. "They keep bugging you."
Insignificant places like streets, squares and rooms are feminine.

And these are what the men got.

Money. "Which equals to wealth, power and everything else, no?"
Happiness. "Happiness AND money! What's left for the women then??!!"
Computer. "A sign of advancement and intelligence."
Casino. "More money!"
Pretty places like castles and palaces.

Before you bunch of chauvinists out there start sniggering at women, let me just say that, this is just a whole load of crap.

Sure, the gender of the above mentioned nouns are true, but there are plentiful more that I've selectively omitted.

Ah well, I am so bored and tired of attending french lessons (which seems like 24/7) that I need to create some humour.

Counting down...
21 days to my French exam.
9 days to my last french lesson.
2 days to the release of my exams results.

All the good luck to ME!

[Time of Confession] 6:46 PM
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Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Pretty tips and toes

Today is pamper myself day.

I took my little sister out for some window shopping after my french lesson (yes, AGAIN) and indulged in a 1 hour pedicure. I was so excited about it! Why? I'm a pedicure virgin!! That is, if you don't count in the DIY sessions I've done that left me with aching arms (after trying to get rid of the callouses and what have you... yuk...)

It was a rather painful experience I must say. Especially the part where the lady had to trim my cuticles. She was so determined to make my nails look perfect that she must have overlooked the fact that I have very thin skin (literally, yes).

She cut a little too deep and the river of red started to flow. And flow it did. It never stopped bleeding even until when my pedi was completely done. Bloody toe. But I probably have a high threshold for pain cos I didn't feel a thing even when I had to immerse my feet into the bubbling warm water.

I must commend on the efficiency of the nail salon in.... replacing their magazines! They even have the latest CLEO that just hit the newsstands today. Saved me a whole $4.20 for it. I read the entire magazine for free. (It's crazy why I still buy the magazine. There's nothing much of a read - you can tell since I am able to finish reading it, cover to cover, in 1 hour. But somehow, they have a way of planning and designing their cover that just MAKES me want to buy it. Without fail. When will I learn my lesson??)

Then with my nice, pretty toes (my feet must have been smiling. the royal treatment after much negligence from me), I pranced along to Watson's to get a cuticle remover. I was driven to have a DIY manicure as well.

Further indulged in gelato ice-cream (an after exam treat for my sister) and we happily made our way home. In the midst of our chatting and playing around, my sister suddenly turned quiet.

"Why, what's wrong? You have something to tell me?" I asked with concern.

"Hai.. I don't know leh. You know mummy and papa always tell us not to waste money right? But sometimes, I just cannot help it leh. Errr.... nothing lah. If I tell you, you will surely nag at me one." she said

'???!!! So you wanna tell me or not??' I was thinking.

"But I'm not mummy or papa what, I won't nag at you one. Promise," I assured her.

"Oh... ermm... you know that day I went out with Xinjie right, then hor, I bought this bag... and err.... it was $16......" she replied softly.

"$16? Okay what. Unless it's ugly lah...." I told her.

The truth is, it must have taken her a while to save up $16 and it was probably an unnecessary purchase. But I knew she'd already understood that it was a rash buy. She could feel a tad of guilt and it wasn't necessary for me to be all naggy and rub it in.

Then I started to laugh.

"What's so funny?" she asked, offended because she thought I was laughing at her. Which I was.

"I wonder who's the naggy one?"

Then I reminded her of the time I bought myself a new wallet, and she asked me how much it costs and went,

"Wahhhh...... $50 ah??? SO EXPENSIVE AH!!! Why you spend so much money?? Papa say must save money leh!!"

; and the time I bought a new bag, and the new top and the new shoes.....

And she was worried that I would nag at her.

Kids...

[Time of Confession] 10:11 PM
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Monday, May 16, 2005

Garble and disconcerted thoughts

1. I feel like a big pui-kia. Just had a large packet of fried carrot cake and popiah from a famous stall in Lavender Food Square for dinner cum supper. Wah... haven't eaten such good food in a while. So satisfied. But I may have overeaten. I feel so bloated that I can't seem to breathe properly. Uh oh... not a good sign at all.

2. I'm so darn tired (but I can't sleep now with all the food churning in my belly) after the long day of 4 hour french lessons and 5++ hours helping out at a seminar my mum was giving a talk at. Stupid pointy heels made my feet ache all day. Hopefully I will get a nicely done pedicure tomorrow.

3. Had a little talk with my mum yesterday night. It's something rather rare because the only conversation that exists between us is almost routine - she will ask me, throughout the year, in a regular manner; 'When are your exams?' or 'When do your exams end' or 'When will you get your results' or 'When does school start?'.

Yesterday, the conversation was a little different. She asked me about the status of my exchange application and I told her that the results are not yet known. She asked what I thought my chances were.

"Errr.... I have no idea." Which is really how I feel.

Then she wanted to take a look at the essays I wrote for the application so I printed out a copy for her and went back to doing my own work.

A while later, she came into my room to tell me that she thought my essays were well-written and that she was confident I'll make it through. She said she felt proud of me.
At that very moment, it was like time stopped and every negative emotion that had propelled me to work even harder each time just dissipated.

For those who have known me for long will know that I've never really gotten my mum's approval in the choices I've made and it is almost always the case that I push myself to achieve results only to prove myself. I needed and wanted to show that I could do what I chose to do. I wanted to convince her that I know exactly what I want and what I'm doing.

I think there's no longer a need for that.

The few words she said expressed so much more. I feel a quiet sense of relief and comfort. It's a good feeling. It's going to be so much better working hard without the gnawing animosity and disfavour.

4. My entry on french men (and why we love to hate them) can be further substantiated. Another living example to be added to the list is none other than my french teacher. Sometimes I really feel like screaming out, "I think what you're saying is whole load of rubbish!!!!" when he starts on another of his OPINIONS.

*breathing deeply* I must not get carried away. I must bear with this for another 1++ weeks. (after which I'm sure to complain that I miss having to hear him ramble on his views on politics and SOCIAL issues. sigh. the paradox of it all)

5. I must get some rest to brace myself for tomorrow. Will have to face HIM again. Don't know if it's something to be happy about or to sulk over.

[Time of Confession] 11:52 PM
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Sunday, May 15, 2005

Singaporean Boys WHINE

Correction. MOST Singaporean boys whine.

And do not come after me for the above sweeping statement. Get this, the statement was made by none other than a male.

The chairman of a certain renown institute in Singapore (I have to be VERY careful with what I say lest I get sued for anything. Everyone seems to be hot on the heels of bloggers...) has expressed his being fed up with male scholarship holders who call it quits midway. He says he prefers the more mature, level-headed women who approach problems in a logical manner, and foreigners who display more intellect and responsibility.

I do not beg to differ. But one question eludes me though. Why is it that this problem seems to be more prevalent among the masculine sex? Is it as they say, that going through the 2 years of National Service does some irreversible and undesirable change to these alpha males? But these scholars were nit-picked from multitudes of applicants by the top people in the institute themselves - shouldn't they be the creme de la creme who will withstand any hardship and arrive at the end of it all as refined, sparkling diamonds?

So where does the problem lie? With the selection process then? Or is it in the nature of men that they *gasp* have problems committing?

Of course, everything I've said may be deemed as an unfair statement. There are neverending arguments and rebuttals. However, I feel that the issue is not to prove who is correct (to say that indeed, most singaporean boys are whiny; or not) but to approach it in an objective manner, what are the factors that contribute to this problem of increasing male scholars pulling out, and how they can prevent or reduce the number of such cases.

If it is truly the National Service that changes a person's goal in life (that he should no longer wish to commit to whatever bond he signed to), then maybe they should only open applications to men who have already completed their NS. No?

Mr. Chairman has very strong opinions that draw many unhappy comments (you can read this in the newspapers. i'm not speculating). Though there is sense behind his statements, I think it is the way he has put his ideas across that people find it hard to swallow. And to think I might have to meet him IF I decide to apply for a scholarship and get to the selection round. *shrudders*

[Time of Confession] 6:36 PM
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Friday, May 13, 2005

Skepticism

As the days pass, I feel like I'm wearing down. French is such a complex language; even after so many hours of lessons, I still can't make my own proper sentences. I can't apply what I learn in class.

I miss my Nihongo. I think I have more affinity with it.

Anyway, our teacher gave his piece on a touchy subject today (Like I've said before, our lessons are also like seminars on philosophy etc etc). We were learning about 'practical information' about a person and there was this short video showing a secretary asking a job applicant about her personal information.

She came to the question, "Quelle est votre situation de famille?" (What is your marital status?)
The applicant answered, "Celibataire." (Single)
The secretary went on to ask, "Vous avez d'enfants?" (Do you have any children?)

My teacher commented that in Europe, having children does not equate to being married. It is not uncommon that people cohabit and live intimately before marriage. In fact, in some cases, marriage is not even considered.

He said he felt it's too big a risk to get married before doing the above things. He questioned; how can you be confident that the relationship will last if you don't even KNOW the person (apparently you will only truly know the person only after living together and having developed sexual intimacy). You may love each other deeply, but what if after marriage, you realise that 'some things' just don't work? If so, the relationship just goes down the drain. (This is HIS opinion).

I do not deny that there is some logic in his opinion but I'm not on his side of the fence.

It's easy for him to say what he said. He's a guy!
Hello, it is the women who have everything to lose if any 'accident' happens. The guy can just do a hit-and-run: there were no strings attached since it's outside of marriage what.
Then what will be left of the girl?

Looking at it in another way, if more and more people adopt this frame of thinking, promiscuity will insidiously eat up the moral values of our society because people who are into sex only for the pleasure and fun will exploit this to their advantage, using the excuse, "We're just testing waters first." as their shield. For all you know, commitment and love was the last thing on their minds.

Like I've mentioned before in an earlier journal entry, how can a girl trust that her man is with her because he truly loves her for who she is, and not because she satisfies his lust? Sex now seems to have taken centre-stage and anything else, say commitment and marriage, is but an added incentive. If so, what maketh the relationship then? Just a superficial sexual satiety?

We live in a complex world. Each man to his own. We cannot force others to think the same way but this is where I stand. This is my two-cents worth.

[Time of Confession] 5:38 PM
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Thursday, May 12, 2005

Erotomania

The false but persistent belief that one is loved by a person, or the pathologically obsessive pursuit of a disinterested object of love.

A symptom of schizophrenia or other psychiatric disorders that are characterized by delusional symptoms.

The eager look on her face. The ecstasy when she thinks of him. The constant showering of attention and affection on him. She was deeply in love with someone who barely knew her. And all the while, she imagined that they were together and he was going to leave his wife to be with her.

Her crazed obsession ruined him, driving him to paranoia.

Watching her made my hair stand.

Audrey Tautou's performance was so impressive I am convinced that she is psychotic. In A la folie pas du tout (He loves me, he loves me not), she's diagnosed with erotomania and experiences a turbulent love affair. One with expectance, desperation and possessiveness.

The surprise was somewhat spoilt for me - I already knew how the story was going to end because Evon had told me about this show. Seems like that's always the case for me. It was this way too, for Jeux d'enfants (Love me if you dare). My cousin narrated the entire story to me before I decided I must not miss the show.

And guess what, crazy me went to rent the same movie. AGAIN. I'm a nutcase but I just love watching and rewatching the shows I like. It's a good thing it doesn't always happen that I fall deeply in love with a film.

It's nice to have the day off. No french lessons, no rushing for tuition/ appointments. Just me doing my own stuff at home. Cleaning out the hamsters' cages, clearing the mess in my room, playing my flute, reading, taking my sis out, watching movies.

Seems like mundane but everything is especially wonderful. La vie en rose - like looking at life through rose-tinted glasses. The burden is lifted and I have chosen my stand.

I do feel ashamed that I didn't immediately stick to my principles and even contemplated overlooking it. I tried to convince myself it's no big deal. I am fortunate I had someone to listen to me voice out my doubts. Hearing myself made things clearer than before. There was no way I would be able to live with myself if I made myself believe that it won't make a difference. It will, and it already has.

I have found my weakness.

[Time of Confession] 9:30 PM
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Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Toot-a-flute

Daily update on lecon francais.
My brain was back with me in class today. Which is a very good thing because Mr. Nicolas said something that sent us into a state of panic.

"Now, choose any one of these scenarios, write a script and act it out, using the words we have learnt so far."

I've expected role-playing but not this soon! It's only our 4th lesson!

Wasted alot of time trying to decide which scene to do. Then wasted even more time redo-ing our script because when he saw our work, he said it was far too short and should be made longer! Arghhh.... So there we were, shivering in cold with purple toes, writing and rewriting our script and flipping our textbooks hastily to check our grammar.

We were 2nd to present but I didn't feel ready so I requested that he skipped us first. He shot that pirate glare of his (heart thumping really fast; as if I was being cornered by a tiger), then asked the next group to present.

After the last group ended their act, Evon and I stood up and went to the front to do our presentation but he was surprised to see us standing beside the whiteboard. He'd forgotten that we haven't had our turn.

Taking a deep breath and hoping that my shivering from the cold won't show, we began our little show.

At the art gallery:

Waiter (Me) : (holding a tray of red wine) Excusez moi!
(knocks into lady) Oh pardon!
(Excuse me! Oh sorry!)

Lady (Evon): Arghhh!!! Qu'est-ce que c'est??!!!
(What is this??!!)

Waiter: (trying to clean off stain on lady's dress)
Pardon, pardon!
(Sorry, sorry!)

Lady: (sighs) C'est n'est rien...
(It's okay...)

Waiter: Vous regardez de peinture?
(You're looking at the painting?)

Lady: Oui, c'est une peinture celebre de Picasso.
(Yes, this is a famous painting by Picasso.)

Waiter: Ah... elle est belle! Vous ete etrangere?
(It's beautiful! Are you a foreigner?)

Lady: Oui, je suis Singapourienne. Je m'appelle Yvonne.
Vous vous appelez comment?
(Yes, I am a Singaporean. I am Yvonne. What's your name?)

Waiter: Je m'appelle Mathieu. (shakes hands)
Vous parlez francais bien!
(I am Matthew. You speak good french!)

Lady: Merci. Vous connaisez un restaurant chinois?
(Thank you. Do you know a chinese restaurant?)

Waiter: Oui. Je connais le restaurant 'Liu Xiang Lou'.
(Yes. I know the restaurant 'Liu Xiang Lou')

Lady: Merci. Le toilette, s'il vous plait?
(Thank you. May I know where's the toilet?)

Waiter: Par la, Mademoiselle.
(It's there, Miss)

Lady: Merci. Au revoir.
(Thank you. Goodbye)

Waiter: Au revoir.

Evon and I stood and stared blankly, waiting for a response. Mr. Nicolas looked at us with what I thought was a wide-eyed look.

"You learn french before ah?"

We shook our heads.

"Wah, good lah! Maybe you have some french blood."

Puzzled look on our faces.

Then some of our classmates applauded.

Phew. That means it went well. He actually thought we were good! Wahh!! We were the only group that didn't need to repeat our script to correct the pronounciation. I was in the clouds already.... *dancing with glee in my head*

*slapslap* Need to get down to earth lest I get complacent over nothing.

Toot-toot
I've finally gotten my own flute. After years of saving (then spending the money away and starting over), I've set aside enough funds to get myself a 2nd hand flute. I am now $350 poorer and 1kg of metal richer.

I have no idea why it took me this long to get my own instrument. I've always loved playing it when I was in secondary school and it will definitely be a pity if I were to never play it again.

After a 5 year hiatus, putting air into this shiny rod fails to produce the nice, rich sound I used to so often hear. Instead, a flat and raw sound resonates from within. It's like starting from square one all over again.

But this time, I'm determined to practise hard and be able to say that there's something I'm actually good at. I'm sick and tired of being The Jill of all trades, but master of none.

[Time of Confession] 11:45 PM
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Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Bonjour Monsieur Shlomi

I've been stoned all day. Is usually the case when I don't get the sleep I need.

I couldn't get to slumberland last night so I decided to do some French homework. The thing is, I wasn't given any. But I was so darn bored I decided to get started on it. Since it would have to be done anyway. And know what, my teacher went through the exercises in class today so I had a small headstart. I guess my sleepless night of poring through the worksheets paid off.

French was enjoyable. I think. I wasn't really aware of anything because I was stoned. Like my body was there but my brain was drifting somewhere else. The grave feeling of detachment. Mr. Nicolas was rather entertaining today - I remember hearing the class breaking out in laughter a couple of times. Something he said about Singaporean women and ice-kachang. That both appear sweet on the outside but are complex on the inside. And the deeper you dig, the more you realise the mess you're getting yourself into...

Men.

They think they know so much. If they did, they wouldn't have trouble trying to figure the psychology of women. In fact, if you ask me, there's no point in trying to decipher how women in general think. There is no GENERAL woman. Just embrace the fact that everyone is different and respect that. We maybe different from men, yes and we have our weaknesses; but we are no less of a person as a man and should not be subject to such distasteful analogy. Women are not subjects to be studied.

Anyway, this man/woman/ equality thing is throwing me into a state of confusion. I'm between the devil and the deep blue sea. Some internal struggle between practicality and principles. If I choose to be realistic and practical, I may be compromising my principles. Not that it is a very big deal. But I know that once I start to compromise the things I believe in, I am walking down the road of denial and at the end of the day, I'll be left with nothing.

So where do I go?

Bonjour Monsieur Shlomi is an Israeli film that has a thin plot circling around a dysfunctional family, puppy love and food. It is like a sponge cake, lightly sweet and forgettable. It wasn't a bad show, but it is far from impressive - it fails to leave an impression at the end of the film. In-your-face humour (not the type I appreciate) is blatant but then again, it is a refreshing change from the heavyweight Hollywood movies. Ideal for kicking back your shoes and laughing yourself silly with a few close friends.

[Time of Confession] 10:11 PM
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Monday, May 09, 2005

French and much more

Three times a week (4, for this and the next), I travel the hard and long road to and from l'Universite de Technologie de Nanyang for my FREE french lessons (other than the very expensive textbook, the worksheets and the travelling expenses, ya, the lessons are about free). And I get out much more from it than just learning the language.

I like the way my teacher put it: taking up a language is not just learning another code; it's like taking a journey into a new culture and learning to look at things, at the world in a totally different perspective. So every lesson, for 4 hours a day, other than attempting to do the extremely difficult "rrrrrrhhhh" while pronouncing the french words and learning the basic grammar, I am also taking a lessons in politics, history, entertainment, culture, religion.....

I am really enjoying myself. French is fun. Learning from a French teacher is better. Like what most people think, the French really do have an impeccable pride and egotism for their culture. But they also have an utmost respect for the distinctiveness of the other cultures. Which is why my teacher seems to constantly run down the U.S and their exceedingly increasing influence on the world - lest we all lose our own individuality and uniqueness and get sucked into a nightmare world of McDonald's and Coca-cola.

Ah well, I do agree with him sometimes. He does make some good sense. And at least he HAS an opinion. Look at us Singaporeans, apathetic and blase. The things we worry about, the concerns we have - superficial and self-centred needs.

I blame the society we've been brought up in. It is no doubt we are a sheltered lot of people with
an obscured view of the world - more often than not, we fail to look beyond our selfish concerns to see the bigger picture.

I myself am guilty as charged.

So whenever I whine about how things aren't going the right way for me, someone please remind me to remember that there are people in the world who are worrying about their safety, their next meal.... There's so much more to life.

[Time of Confession] 9:27 PM
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Sunday, May 08, 2005

I had a wonderful Sunday morning talking to my dad while having breakfast. He was telling me stories of the time he toured Europe with my mum. How they travelled from Switzerland to France to Rome to the Czech Republic; how they saved on meals and lodging; how they got about; the places they visited.... the pictures were beautiful. I was looking at the famous landmarks and exclaimed proudly, oh there's La Tour Eiffel; Arc de Triomphe! Musee le louvre? Universite Paris Sorbonne!! Monsieur Nicolas taught us about the famous places in France in our first lesson and I was itching to show off the little knowledge I had. I wonder if I'll ever make it to Europe after I graduate....

I met up with my cousin today and we hit the shops at Heeren to make the most out of Cleo's anniversary Shop-a-thon card (20% off most shops!!). Actually I only got to use it once for a new pencil case. I'm so sick of the pink polka-dot pencil case I got when I was in this pink frenzy and it doesn't help that someone in school has the exact same one. I'm a nutter for having things that are original and one of its kind.

We dropped by at Flesh Imp and they're having a big moving out sale there! Stuff up to 70% off! (streetwear fans hurry go grab something before they're only left with XS and XL). But it was a huge disappointment for my cousin and I when we entered the shop - the crew of good looking, droolworthy salespeople were no longer around! I once saw this guy that I swear looks A WHOLE LOT like Utt! Hard luck for us... but the guys would be keen to know, the salesgirl at Flesh Imp now is a Shu Qi look-a-like. Serious.

Anyway, I've finally settled on a gift for Mummy. Got her ginseng tea from Eu Yan Sang (the salesperson insisted that i try it and it was... bitter. bleagh... i don't know how to appreciate good stuff) and made a card for her - just like when I was little. I hope she likes it.

[Time of Confession] 9:11 PM
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Rainy Sunday

It's the perfect morning to be snuggled under the covers but I'm up and ready to go coz I slept way too early last night. Have the sudden desire to go for a long run and come back soaking in sweat, but stupid rain has to thwart my plans. Or maybe this longing for a run came up because it's raining so I'll have no means to fulfill it; and at the same time, I'm spared of the guilt of not exercising for days coz at least I wanted to run. Just at the wrong time.

Have got a list of to-dos to keep me busy today. But before I get started on running my errands, need to get an energy booster breakfast.

It feels good to be home.

[Time of Confession] 10:23 AM
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Saturday, May 07, 2005

Bummed

It's only 8.30pm and I'm already dozing off. I'm beat from packing up the last of my barang and bringing them all home. Love Joanne to bits for letting me put my bulky stuff in her room - I can't imagine lugging them home and back again. (Thanks alot babe!!! *muakz*) I finally have my 2 little darlings back at home with me! They've only been left on their own for 3 days and I already feel like the worst pet-owner.

I guess another reason for my fatigue is the long day of tuition. Was supposed to teach 3 kids consecutively but thank God my misery was lessened when the temperamental boy decided he didn't want to study today.

It really is a pain having to teach him; he has zero interest in doing well in his work so I really don't see the point in me wasting 2 hours trying to get him to concentrate on his work and then, having to put up with his bouts of tantrums. Seriously, a 14 yr old boy behaving like a pre-school child, screaming, crying and rolling on the floor - sometimes I think I should be paid more for the extra counselling thrown in.

It's Mothers' Day tomorrow and I haven't gotten anything for my mummy yet. Hers is probably the most difficult present to get - she's never pleased with ANYTHING I buy. I've tried perfume, bath salts, a sleek namecard holder, flowers, facial treatment masks.... the list goes on. But time after time, she just says thank you and the gifts end up in a corner, untouched and unused. Maybe I don't know her well enough to get her something she really likes or maybe my mum is just hard to please. So what do I get her this year?

Hmm...

[Time of Confession] 8:14 PM
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Premier-jour

It felt like freaky Friday. There was practically no soul around and the classroom was dead empty. Right, it was still 9.10am. Maybe people will start streaming a little later.

At 9.35am, still no signs of other people. Had we gotten the day wrong? Maybe our first french lesson is on the following week? Dammit. Suddenly I feel like a total idiot. But thank goodness there was Evon for company.

At 9.45am, the classmates arrived. There were 2 male french teachers outside our door - so which one was ours? The numerous stories of french lessons told by my friends gave me butterflies in my stomach. It seemed that french teachers could sometimes be... intimidating (I should already know... the french teachers I've encountered) . Evon commented that one of the teachers looked cute. Was he going to teach us?? *bright-eyes*

Then he came in.

A grouchy looking man with a frown plastered on. Uh oh....

Well, first impressions are sometimes inaccurate, and my teacher turned out to be really interesting and nice. And he's the 'pirate' Theresa was telling me about! The relief teacher that she loved to bits! So we are quite lucky after all...

Maybe not. When we walked to the carpark after our lessons, Evon's car couldn't start.

But I guess that's the end of the freaky part.

I went to meet Theresa, Tresa, Lydia and their friend Xiuwen in town for a movie. It's been ages since I last went to town to walk/shop/catch a movie. I think it's been a month or maybe even more. Anyway, the feeling was wonderful. And it's always so much fun hanging out with the girls - they're hilarious; I've never laughed more.

Kingdom of Heaven was worth the weekend ticket charge. Other than the fact that Orlando Bloom looks a billion times better than in Troy (I suspect it's the hair. both on his head and on his face... the facial hair makes him look more manly; and losing the babydoll curls from Troy DOES do him good), the story was riveting and I liked the fact that it remained focused on a single theme - a man's fight to make his world a better place. A simple but solid idea that was the objective throughout the movie. There were no sidetracks, no distractions from it.

For once, the Straits Times gave a movie the credits it deserves.

[Time of Confession] 9:10 AM
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Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Break Away

I haven't travelled such a long distance in a while. The monotonous journey was made worse with the knowledge of where I was heading. The gloomy weather didn't make me feel any better either.

The dread, the uneasiness.

Then, I had the sudden urge to run away. To deny the path set out before me, to hide and to shirk the responsibilty. I took a deep breath and alighted at the next stop....

To transfer to the next train and continue my journey... (ok, no throwing of tomatoes please!)

I was actually on my way to tuition - maybe I should rename it "The Terror"; because I get the cold feet whenever I have to teach the boy.

Oh well... I shan't complain too much. At least I'm earning myself some money. Even though it's nothing much but that beats sitting around and bumming at home.

Tralala...

I can't wait for next week to come. There will be flute-testing and hair makeovers. Finally, some excitement.

And yes, a series of performance at the Esplanade this weekend.
Ahem, any takers?

[Time of Confession] 11:16 PM
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Tuesday, May 03, 2005

One little cloud went by...

I was just wondering if anyone would notice if I were to just disappear... would anyone even know?

Never mind me. I'm bored to tears.
And to add on to my misery, am in one lousy mood.

Yet another day mopping around the house:
Clearing up disk space.
Clearing my desk (more like rearranging the things on it. it's ALREADY tidy. that's how bored I am).
Watching Million Dollar Baby and going 'Huh' most of the time coz I couldn't hear what the characters were saying.
Watching Gilmore Girls on TV (cheered me up a little).
Saw that Cao host on TV for a split second and my mood zoomed back down.

Was actually discussing with Grace if we should post up an advertisement:

Looking for young, vibrant individuals with a keen interest in live band music
(blues and jazz in particular)
To hang out at cool pubs and to appreciate good music over drinks together.
Places like the Esplanade Outdoor Theatre will be a regular haunt.
No membership fees required but you'll have to pay for your own drinks.
Transportation not provided (but it'll be good if you drove and have a car)

Interested parties, kindly email me your CV and an interview will be arranged
Only shortlisted candidates will be notified.

[Time of Confession] 11:21 PM
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Monday, May 02, 2005

TV Critic

I can't stand the fact that I've been a useless bum all morning sitting in front of the computer, then the TV, and now I'm back at my laptop.

I want to go out!!!

But I can't take my sister out coz she's having her exams. Bernice too. Evon's in Malaysia. My darling Grace is in NZ. I have no one!!!

*sulk*

I will have to make my way back to isolated NTU soon to pack up my stuff and to be buried under books and assessments. But this time they're not mine. My students' exams are round the corner and they've got loads of extra lessons lined up. I just hope I don't buckle under the pressure. How come my holiday seems like such a dread??

Anyway, being Little Ms. Couch Potato today, I can't help but notice how some of the little things that they show on TV just gets on my nerves. Like a certain Ms J****** Peh and her very irritating voice. I'm sorry for being mean but really!

Whenever they show the shots for the variety show "Wish you were here", I see the pretty beach and the shimmery waters and then she opens her mouth to say "It's amazing!!", I just cringe and am tempted to turn off the TV. I know it's not her fault to have such a turn-offish voice, but ever since she appeared in that ringtone advert screaming, "WHAT?? You're still using THAT ringtone??!!" I can't help but want to plaster her mouth with masking tape.

And another certain host from Taiwan for a local variety program "Scholar of Scholars" is also pushing my buttons. He's far worse compared to Ms. Peh. He doesn't even have to open his mouth to make me shrudder. The mere sight of him just wants to make me throw something at the tv.

But I have to say I really like the advertisement by J&J.

"You always went for the tall, dark, handsome type. So who would've thought that the love of your life would be short and bald? Having a baby changes everything."

*clapclap* It never fails to make me chuckle whenever I see this advert with the cute little baby splashing water in the kitchen sink. How endearing....

The very reason why I am so fanatically hooked on Baby Blues.
Everyone should read it! ESPECIALLY dating couples. Really, don't hesitate. This comic not only makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, it'll brainwash you to want to start a family right away. However, those who have taken the vow of celibacy should be warned to stay away from Rick Kirkman & Jerry Scott's work.

Okay, enough of my gibberish. Back to the google-box.

[Time of Confession] 3:43 PM
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Sunday, May 01, 2005

Inertia

For 3 hours, I lay on the couch, stoning at the tv. The only entertainment I got was the performance by Alicia Keys. Most of the time, especially during the commercial breaks, I just dozed off, then waking up only to realize that they've moved on to the next Billboard award.

Yawn...

I can't bear not doing anything!

I've decided to get on with the lab report that's due this Wednesday. Freaky right, my exams are over but my schoolwork doesn't just end there.

"Measurement of respiration in E.coli cells using ...." blablablabla...

Sigh, it's like taking forever for the background in the lab protocol to sink in. And it's even worse trying to recall what we did weeks ago.

I'm craving for some hullabaloo. My life seems to lack excitement.

Manque de euphorie...

[Time of Confession] 3:46 PM
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