Confessions of an Undisguised Drama Queen

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Monday, July 31, 2006

We Live in a Contaminated World

Cute plush toys? Think again...
This is what they REALLY are;

Mr. Common Cold

Little Flu Bug

Mr. Scratch-your-Throat

Ms. Gives-You-The-Runs

Ms. Ulceration w/ Funky Hair

Mr. Bad Breath aka Listerine's nemesis

Ms. Deadly Ebola Virus

Little Yeast

Ms. Kissing Disease Bacteria (??)

Martian Life (????)

Bookworm (??!!!)

Talk about microbial infections.

Sympathy for the life of bacteria

If you were bacteria:

* You have 0.001 times as much DNA as a eukaryotic cell.

* You live in a medium which has a viscosity about equal to asphalt.

* You have a wonderful "motor" for swimming. Unfortunately, your motor can only run in two directions and at one speed. In forward, you are propelled in one direction at 30 mph. In reverse your motor makes you turn flips or tumble. You can only do one or the other. You cannot stop.

* While you can "learn", you divide every twenty minutes and have to restart your education.

* You can have sex, with males possessing a sexual apparatus for transferring genetic information to receptive females. However, since you are both going 30 mph it is difficult to find each other. Furthermore, if you are male, nature gave you a severe problem. Everytime you mate with a female, she turns into a male. In bacteria, "maleness" is an infective venereal disease.

* Also, at fairly high frequencies, spontaneous mutations cause you to turn into a female.

* Eukaryotes have enslaved some of your "brethren" to use as energy generating mitochondria and chloroplasts. They are also using you as a tool in a massive effort to understand genetics. The method of recombinant DNA is designed to exploit you for their own good. There is no SPCA to protect you.

* The last laugh may be yours. You have spent three and a half billion years practicing chemical warfare. Humans thought that antibiotics would end infectious diseases, but the overuse of drugs has resulted in the selection of drug resistant bacteria. They didn't realize that this was only the first battle, and now the war is ready to begin.

* Humans think this is their era.
A more truthful statement would be that we all live in the age of bacteria.

[Time of Confession] 12:22 PM
0 Wisecracks for Me

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