[C'EST MOI]
living paradox. individualist with anarchistic tendencies.
eludes eminence but appreciates subtle recognition.
capricious yet dependable. clandestine and unfathomable.
cynical realist who succumbs to the occasional idealism.
[J'AIME]
music. films. feasting & drinking. team sports.
good company; family, friends and those who share similar interests.
It's difficult to describe my exact emotions now. It's an intense mixture of disappointment, anger, helplessness and pure dejection.
I've been waiting forever for news for my application for the exchange scholarship to UK. Everyone knows I want this badly - I bet I practically told every single person I know about it. And on my part, it's been my morning and night prayer since I sent in the application (in March) - that everything will go smoothly and in 9 months' time, I'll be on a plane to Europe.
The application form never indicated when the results will be released, so I emailed the administrative side in NTU. The International Relations Office first told me that the results will be out sometime in May/ June.
So I waited till mid-June. Still no news. Sent another email and got a reply saying that it'll be out by end-June.
Still no news. Sent yet another email.
A very abrupt reply indicating that MFA (the institute sponsoring the scholarships) was preparing the acceptance/ rejection letters, and that I should hear from them soon.
Three weeks from that email, still no news.
Tired of waiting and waiting and getting lousy replies from IRO, I called the office this afternoon, only to be attended to by the same horrid woman who was nothing but snotty and rude.
It was such an unpleasant conversation but I tried damn hard to keep my cool. Anyway, the bottom-line is, I didn't get the scholarship.
By default, I should be getting a rejection letter, but as I've said, I've gotten nothing. I have a sick feeling in my stomach that maybe my application never got to MFA. That the NTU IRO screwed up big time and lost my application along the way.
Dammit.
Sometimes I think I'm really unlucky.
It's not the first time things screw up.
Why is it that I slog my ass off to maintain a decent academic, CCA record and everything else, get a shot at something I really want (like this DUO scholarship, or the Global Immersion Programme), but someone or something just screws the whole damn thing up along the way, and all I'm left with it just a monstrous disppointment? Why? Why???
I've never felt more alone.
I know I have friends who probably have words of encouragement and consolation. Thanks but what I really need now is just time and new opportunities. Time to get back on my feet and restore the psychological damage. And I really need that one chance. To let me prove that I can achieve what I want.
Right now, I just need to get away from all this. Just take a short vacation, maybe.
Oh yeah, the trip to Thailand has been cancelled (the other bloody disappointment).
I have a sudden desire to go on a solo backpacking trip - maybe to Nepal, Cambodia or somewhere. But I am aware that dangers abound, especially since I'm rather petite and yes, I'm a woman. Dammit. I wish I were a guy.
I could probably do with some self-defence classes first.
Sigh.
[Time of Confession] 10:29 PM 0 Wisecracks for Me
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