Confessions of an Undisguised Drama Queen

Sunday, January 09, 2005

i wish i wish

why does my heart seem to be so still? So indifferent. Somehow I know I feel happy. I just know. But it must be hidden somewhere really deep within because it doesn't show.

Yesterday was my best friend's 21st birthday celebration. It was a truly enchanting party at a very tasteful Spanish-American restaurant. It was nice to see most of my college classmates together again (together with Grace's family and other close friends) and celebrating Grace's coming of age. It was also a very impromptu congratulatory dinner for our dear girl who's made it into medical school!

I could feel her exhiliration and delight in being with the people she loved the most. And knowing that they too, love her by the bountifuls, it must have been the greatest day of her life (second to the day she gets married of course!) . Lavished with greetings, hugs, kisses and gifts (oh yes the GIFTS), I bet I would have a numb jaw if I smiled as much as she did last night.

I must admit, I do envy her. Come my 21st birthday, I would be somewhere in a freezing library mugging for my exams. The people around me, too would be busy with the exam preparations, that day will come and go like any other.

Yes, I'm complaining.

I wish my birthday didn't have to fall in November. I wish I could throw a nice party at a jazz or blues bar - with great chillout music accompaniment. Even if I don't get to celebrate my birthday, I wish I had the money to study what I want to study. I wish I didn't have to be stuck in Singapore while the closest thing I get to becoming a vet is from the experience of Grace's friend who's studying vet science in Murdoch.

I could go on and on. But then I realise, the more I dig out the things I'm not happy with in my life, the more bitter and dissatisfied I become. I look into the mirror and I see a person who has life sucked out of her. It's like a body without a soul. A person with the knowledge that her dreams are merely fantasies.

I sigh.

I need to try to focus on the good stuff for it is the simple things in life that we derive true joy from, right?

[Time of Confession] 8:58 PM
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