Confessions of an Undisguised Drama Queen

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Sunday Blog Thoughts

I've reached the end of the mid-semester break and it's back to morning lectures, tutorials and neverending lab work again (actually the lab stuff never stopped even during this break so...). This is often an indication of how close the exams are - a warning signal to start bucking up and prepare to become the ultimate nerd sometime soon. Very soon. Because before it sinks it completely to knock me hard in the skull, my blood pressure and blood cortisol levels would have rose dangerously high.

And year after year, it takes its toll on me for that 2 whole months.

This time I'm not going drive the car.

To most people, it probably seems easier to fight like crazy for yourself. You think you're in control. You have it all under your belt. You're the driver, the boss of your life.

I used to think that way too, until I realised that instead of driving the car, I was more like sitting in a canoe with no oars, being swept along in a vast ocean. There's a limit to how much I could control - akin to using my hands to move around in that canoe.

Sometimes you almost kill yourself, striving for what you want, but you end up no where close, and you punch your fists into the air: blaming your luck, blaming fate, blaming the limits of your abilities.

You wonder why life is so unfair.

You lose hope and want to stop trying but you realise that the system of this world doesn't allow you to do that. You struggle to pick yourself up, hiding the pain while deluding yourself that you've dealt with it, yet at short, random moments, something brings up the memory of your failures and disappointments; you feel your heart sink and you begin to ask 'Why?' again.

This was me as much as it is many people out there who think they're in the driver's seat. Little do they realise, their knuckles are already turning white from clenching the wheel too tightly.

There's a simpler way to do this.

I'm letting my Jesus do the driving this time around. It's not going to be easy to let go after holding so tightly for all these years. It'll take a great amount of faith but I know that He has my best interests at heart.

It's such a blessing to know that I'm cared for and loved no matter what; even during the years I turned my back and was oblivious, He has been always been there for me.

22Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. 23Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. 24Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! 25Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? 26Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?

27"Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 28If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! 29And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. 30For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. 31But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.

Luke 12:22-31

[Time of Confession] 3:16 PM
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